Where We Left Off
Last week, Juan Pablo continued to lower the self-esteem of one more women who probably already had some self-esteem issues by eliminating them from the "try out to get married on television and hopefully don't publicly humiliate yourself" show, and yet another decided she didn’t even want to be on the show, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 2.
Renee, because I’m pretty sure all they had in common was the ability to make children.
And Andi left, because she hates Juan Pablo.
Juan Pablo met everyone’s family and made snap judgements on which one he’d like to spend the rest of his life/probably the next few months with before it doesn’t work out. For the most part, we found out that Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, has the batshit crazy family we thought she did and that Andi, the girl who’s a lawyer that is too intelligent for Juan Pablo, goes by the nickname Pookie and also really fucking hates Juan Pablo.
This week is the season finale, where we’ve been promised that Juan Pablo will take turns giving besitos to the two women he’s considering marrying on a tropical island before crushing one’s soul on national television.
Because that’s how life works when you’re trying to make tough decisions about love: you invite everyone you like to an island and isolate them like The Lord of the Flies until you metaphorically crush one’s head with a rock.
(Too dark? Too dark.)
We open on a shot of a man who hosts a round-robin marriage tournament on television asking earnestly if the guy who came on the TV to find a wife was there for the right reasons and no I’m totally serious.
The whole Juan Pablo gang is in St. Lucia and there are those adult braces, we missed you Rodolfo.
Juan Pablo says that Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, has been, “dying meeting Camilla,” and that isn’t how the saying goes and that means something horribly different and is Clare okay?
Juan Pablo says that Clare and him had a misunderstanding in Vietnam and that’s one way to put having possibly non-consensual sex in an ocean on national television.
Clare meets Camilla, the child Juan Pablo is using on the TV to get the babes with, and goes for a handshake and Camilla says FUCK THAT, DOWN LOW.
Then Clare tries to go up high but Camilla wants nothing to do with that because everyone knows that’s not the order it goes in, Clare. Everyone.
Juan Pablo asks Camilla if she drank too much juice while touching her face and in a horrific moment, the face touching thing makes so much sense to all of us. So much sense.
Juan Pablo’s family asks Clare if she speaks spanish and she says that even though her mom is Mexican, she does not and I begin to wonder if Clare has ever spoken to her mother in her entire life.
Clare tells the family that she can’t wait to have a family and then she says she will wait but she can’t wait and will you or won’t you, Clare, make up your god damn mind.
Juan Pablo’s mom says that teachers always told her that he has “so energy” and that’s not a sentence.
Clare says that Juan Pablo and her had a disagreement one time and he made her cry, and to show his mom where people cry, she points to her face.
Rodolfo looks like a 13 year old who is in love with his babysitter.
Juan Pablo asks for Rodolfo’s opinion on Clare and Rudolfo says that that woman is, “in luff” and maybe it wasn’t on purpose but Rodolfo just accidentally made a charming reference to Annie Hall.
Rudolfo says that Clare’s the kinda girl who is willing to stay if she decides to get married to someone and I feel like maybe Rudolfo’s been hurt before because that is, in fact, a quality you should probably have in a marriage.
Juan Pablo’s dad tells Clare that he’ll unconditionally love the children she will have with Juan Pablo and that if they don’t work out, she’ll still always be on his mind and that he loves her and whoa this escalated and got weird fast and he’s hitting on her, right? He’s hitting on her.
Clare goes on and one about how well Juan Pablo was raised and right in line with that, Juan Pablo makes sure his knee is caressing her breasts.
Clare says that saying goodbye to Juan Pablo is getting harder and harder because she just wants to kiss those lips and then she shows us with her hands where the lips are.
Back in Hollywood, Kat’s having it, Chelsie’s having it, but Mundo is definitely not having it.
Good for you, Mundo. Good for you.
How is the Iceland?
It’s time for Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, to meet Juan Pablo’s family and ay yi yi it’s hot because check out those weird sweat patterns.
Nikki gives Juan Pablo’s mom the same flowers Clare gave her approximately one day ago, as though to say “here, the producers wanted me to give you something to make you realize the decision your son is about to make is essentially a televised interchangeable coin flip.”
Juan Pablo’s mom says “How is the Iceland,” even though I think she was saying “island” with a hard “s” and I really wish Nikki had just made a joke about Bjork and then I realize that I’m watching The Bachelor and I should turn my hipster white guy off about 10 episodes ago.
As Nikki talks about their travels, Juan Pablo’s father stares off into the distance blankly, no doubt wondering what his new life with Clare will be like when he leaves his wife.
Then Juan Pablo’s dad talks to Nikki and decides that no maybe SHE’S the best and don’t look now but Juan Pablo’s dad would be an amazing Bachelor contestant and honestly, I think we’d all be totally into an old man being mega creepy to young women because it’s basically same same but different.
I’m also pretty sure he's the most interesting man in the world.
Look at that soft lighting on Rodolfo.
Before Nikki leaves for the day, Juan Pablo says “I’m so glad you signed up for this!”
This is a real television show.
He said things no girl wanted to hear. Have I mentioned I had sex with him on national TV?
Before his final date with Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, Juan Pablo says that he has to make a decision for his life, and that’s how decisions work.
Somewhere in the last 30 seconds, St. Lucia Helicopters said DO NOT SHOW OUR NAME but did not understand how editing works.
Clare talks about Juan Pablo emotionally, and Juan Pablo says, “Clare is very hahhh, she’s cu-ooo...she’s sesssy…” so that bodes pretty well for their future.
As the helicopter is landing, we are informed by Clare that there were no cameras and no audio and Juan Pablo whispered something to her no woman wants to her, “that he doesn’t know me and something sexual I doesn’t even want to repeat,” so essentially what most guys say at last call and don’t look now but that’s a realistic life moment again, guys.
Clare says she came here for love, not just a hook up, and you go, girl who brought a DVD of your dead father as collateral for a relationship on a reality show, you stand up for your television love rights.
Juan Pablo comes over to her place and asks for un besito, but he doesn’t get un besito and that’s super triste.
Clare says that it’s important for her to know Clare and if Clare does want it or if Clare doesn’t want it and I imagine Clare talking to herself in a mirror in the third person before she’s made any decision in her entire life, like if Clare needs to know if Clare does want cereal or if Clare does NOT want cereal for breakfast.
Juan Pablo talks to her about being honest and Mundo is still not having it.
And neither is our baby giraffe.
Juan Pablo consoles Clare by shaming her and reminding her that she broke the no kissing rule in South Korea and poking her face, because that’s probably your best course of action in this scenario.
Even though all of America hates him and no one else who has ever been on this show inexplicably, Juan Pablo logically discusses how proposing to someone is a big deal and that he would like to really think about it because he has a daughter and sounds like a decent guy for a minute.
Clare says that now she knows it’s more than just a physical attraction between her and Juan Pablo.
Mundo continues to not have it.
This old lady isn’t either, Mundo. This old lady isn’t either.
Juan Pablo touches her face, and/or threatens to strangle her and the night is over.
This is how well I read. Would you like to see me do long division next?
For Nikki’s final date, she decides to wear her breasts again.
She tells us that the one thing missing from her fairy tale is hearing how he feels about her, and that seems like a rather large one thing.
Juan Pablo picks at Nikki’s face, because that’s what Juan Pablo does.
Juan Pablo definitely just did push-ups because it’s a pecs and tri’s day.
That night, Juan Pablo does get besitos at the hotel, because this time he didn’t tell a woman that he did not know her but loved doing it with her, because baby steps.
Nikki stares off vacantly into the distance and it’s weird.
Juan Pablo checks to see what she’s looking at and that was funny.
Juan Pablo says, “at the end of everything, how’s it gonna be?” and I wish Nikki would sing the rest of the lyrics to the hit Third Eye Blind song “How’s It Gonna Be?” and say, “WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW MEEE ANYMORE,” and I’m too white again.
Nikki gives him a card and he reads it out loud back to her, like a small child showing her how far he’s come in his ability to read.
The end of the card says “I love you” and he responds “Thank you!” and this is the face a girl makes when that moment happens.
In this exact moment in a picture within a picture, ABC reminds me that I am not the target demographic of the television show I am watching and I feel a shame that no words can articulate.
They hold on Nikki crying for an extremely uncomfortable amount of time because Juan Pablo only gave her besitos and no amor’s, and the night is over.
I have a horrifying idea of what a fairy tale is. Dump me?
Clare says that this has all been her perfect version of a fairy tale. To be clear, Clare’s perfect fairy tale involves having sex in the ocean on national television, being shamed for it, calling yourself a baby giraffe, being told that while the person you are seeing doesn’t know you they think you’re lovely to have sex with and also dating a guy who has 25 other girlfriends.
Juan Pablo wears a suit and stares at the ocean, as a Juan Pablo does.
Clare dramatically suns on the front of another boat while awaiting her TV engagement fate, as a delicate baby giraffe does. I’m worried about her hair getting messed up.
Juan Pablo stares at an engagement ring like Indiana Jones.
Clare tells Juan Pablo that this whole time she has dreamed of standing here, being with him, that she’s believed in him, and Juan Pablo makes a face that says, “I’m about to dump you on national television.”
Juan Pablo then begins the long “I’m dumping you” speech that every human has given another human and Clare makes a face that says “I’m about to get dumped on national television by the man who birthed me into the baby giraffe that I’ve become, aren't I.”
He goes to give her a hug, she denies him, our studio audience gives a thundering “you go girl” applause and the baby giraffe says that she saved this moment for the man of her dreams.
This moment being someone asking her to marry him on national television.
That moment we all reserve.
Her speech begins to sound like a small child yelling at NASA for refusing them the right to be an astronaut because THEY WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT, YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS MOMENT FROM THEM.
Juan Pablo says he’s glad he didn’t pick her, our studio audience can’t believe it and let out sounds of disgust. Strangely, I absolutely can believe it, because we’re watching a round-robin marriage tournament on television where our hero’s name is Juan Pablo.
Clare stares off into the ocean again, this time triumphantly. You let that hair fly, girl.
You don’t need it to look nice for anyone but you, you crazy giraffe. We’ll always have Vietnam.
I don't get it, did I win?
In our final moments with Juan Pablo, we hear him tell Nikki, the nurse who I got way too into, that while he likes her a wholllllot, he doesn’t want to ask someone to marry him unless he’s 100% sure about it, which last time I checked is a wildly rational thought.
So instead he asks if she'll essept his final rose and date him and she says yes, thus winning the round-robin marriage tournament. I presume they logically begin to date now.
Like people do.
Finally, Juan Pablo winks and doesn’t say I love you, and everyone in America officially hates him.
And we all live happily ever after. Ish.
Nikki is sweating profusely and I wish someone would get her a towelette. But I guess that’s Juan Pablo’s job now, guys. I guess that’s Juan Pablo’s job.
I would watch the after the final rose thing, guys, but let’s just be honest and ballpark it:
Clare probably joined the legion of women who fucking hate Juan Pablo and Chris, the guy who hosts the show about getting married who has a failed marriage (which I would think would make him sympathetic to this kind of shit) will probably chastise Juan Pablo about making poor decisions which will seem odd to me.
I’m just happy that Andi, the girl who’s a lawyer that is too intelligent for Juan Pablo, is the new bachelorette.
If it had been Sharleen, the girl who has Mundo, I wouldn’t have been able to make a single fucking joke and I would have been pat on the head way, way too much.
Until next season, friends.
Nikki, because hey, she was pretty great.
Clare, because if you wear a baby bump on a first date and then talk about your dead father for hours straight and then have sex with someone in an ocean that they said was sexual assault and then you tell them it was like being a baby giraffe and you DON'T get eliminated, someone is making a horrible decision.