Where We Left Off

Last week, Juan Pablo continued to lower the self-esteem of one more woman who probably already had some self-esteem issues by eliminating them from the "try out to get married on television and hopefully don't publicly humiliate yourself" show, and another decided she didn’t even want to be on the show, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 4.

Chelsie, because Juan Pablo needs a science teacher, not a science educator.

And Sharleen left, because she was just too much Mundo for one poorly spoken man.

Juan Pablo and the ladies went to his hometown of Miami, where the four year olds dance, the cousin Rudolfo’s have adult braces and the ex-wives have bitch faces that are constantly resting. For the most part, Sharleen, the girl who has Mundo, broke our Mundo hearts and left the show because she realized Juan Pablo didn’t speak English and Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, told Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, that she’s tacky and no one likes her.

This week is hometowns and fantasy suites, which is a good name for a rap song and also the episodes where we’ve been promised that Juan Pablo will meet people’s families and then break up with at least two of them right after on national television, granting them a lifetime’s worth of embarrassment. Either that or he’ll sleep with all of them and then everyone in the country will hate him, which seems to be the case.

At least we know that he’ll be touching faces no matter what.

For four hours straight. Which is too many hours straight.

The Recap Part 1: Hometowns

We open on a shot of cattle. Which is a metaphor for dating, and/or being on a show where a man named Juan Pablo is dating you and no less than 3 or 4 of your friends.

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We’re in Kansas City, MO, the hometown of Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, where she tells us she’s literally been around the world and that’s the first time someone has used literally correctly on the show this year.

Nikki is wearing fingerless gloves, and like anytime I see fingerless gloves, I wonder why one did not want fingers on their gloves, because your fingers were cold, that was the point of wearing gloves, and I’m concerned about Nikki’s fingers.

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She says that she was so excited for Juan Pablo to be in her hometown that she couldn’t sleep this morning, and I hope not Nikki because sleeping during the day is the first sign of clinical depression and your gloves have no fingers and are you okay, Nikki?

Juan Pablo rides a mechanical bull, Nikki gets turned on, and I’m beginning to realize we’re going to have to watch 4 hours of this shit straight and a piece of my soul dies.

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She says that she wants to tell him that she loves him, but then doesn’t and doesn’t know why it’s not the right time to tell him, and it might be because you just fell off a mechanical bull together and now you’re on an adult bounce house floor, Nikki.

Nikki and Juan Pablo go to meet her family and Nikki’s dad says that when you sit down at the Ferrell family dinner table, you become family and I’m not sure he understands how the television show that his daughter is on works.

Juan Pablo says that Nikki’s dad, “say a couple ah words and it make me comfortable a lot,” and that’s not a sentence.

Nikki says that she’s concerned that her dad won’t get it if she gets engaged to Juan Pablo because her dad thinks in terms of logic and wait did Nikki just acknowledge that this show is not logical?

Nikkis dad and Juan Pablo sit down for a talk and Nikki’s dad says the word maturity “matooruhty” and I can’t stand that, I just can’t stand that. “Tcha” the t in maturity, sir.

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Her dad then asks him not to propose to Nikki if he doesn’t want to actually marry her, Juan Pablo says that’s his “big picture plan” and does anyone know how marriage and/or the television show they are appearing on works?

Like an evil henchmen in a film, Juan Pablo waits until the family is gone and begins to grab Nikki’s face outside, and if he began to say “MYYYYY PRECIOUSSS” like Golum right now no one would be surprised. No one.

She doesn’t say I love you, he drives off into the night, and don’t look now but that’s actually how real life works the majority of the time.

You're dating other people, of course I don't want you to marry Pookie.

We get to the home of  Andi, the girl who’s a lawyer that is too intelligent for Juan Pablo, and learn that Atlanta, GA is the home of the duck, and did you know that a duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and did you know the recapper is tired?

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Andi has ombre hair, because ombre is hot right now and everyone knows that, and I wonder if for a tiny moment, Clare, the hairdresser with the dead father DVD, is at home, sees this and says "CUTE!"

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Juan Pablo says, “you soo prettttyyyy” and every guy in the world is frustrated that this actually works.

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Andi takes Juan Pablo to a gun range and says that if you want to prove your manhood in the south you shoot a gun right and every man watching the show The Bachelor feels more emasculated than he already did.

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Juan Pablo is awful at shooting guns and somehow manages to miss the target in its entirety and it’s funny because this face.

Then he hits a bullseye and that’s what makes Andi say it’s okay to take him home to meet her family and I realize that somewhere in America, this is a real date.

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Juan Pablo wants a kiss between shots and the couple that shoots guns together stays together because if you don’t stay together the other one will fucking kill you, they will fucking kill you.

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Before dinner, sad bird ponders the beautiful sunset.

Andi’s parents put up a sign on their front door that says, “Welcome Home, Pookie!” because when you’re on a round-robin marriage tournament television show and you deserve a homecoming welcome that only a Pookie does and what the fuck is that thing on their front door.

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They sit down and meet her family and her father continuously brings up the fact that Juan Pablo has been dating around 26 women this entire time, which makes Juan Pablo uncomfortable, like a kid on a playground finally being called out for farting.

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Andis dad is a republican who likes guns.

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Andi’s dad strongly dislikes Juan Pablo because he does know how the show works and don’t look now but I love Andis dad and want to shoot guns with him and disappoint him when I make emasculating feminine shrieks, drop the weapon and run away waving my arms in the air.

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Juan Pablo goes to sit and talk with Andi’s mom and says that he really wants her to essept him, no doubt like one of the roses he hands out to all of his girlfriends.

She asks what he likes about her daughter, and Juan Pablo says, “she’s quick mind,” that “back and forth we can go for hour,” and incomplete Yoda sentences probably aren’t gonna be the way into the heart of the mother of the woman who reads aaaa-lahhhht.

Juan Pablo then forces Andi to salsa dance with him to impress her mother, and that’s not salsa dancing.

Then it’s time to sit down with Andi’s dad, and would you just look at that milk carton of whiskey, that is a major-fucking-league glass of whiskey.

Juan Pablo asks her father if he would essept him if he proposed to his daughter, and Andi’s dad says, “if a man came to you that was dating your daughter and three other women and asked that what would you do,” and then says he won’t answer that question and dad is too real and is too logical and he is breaking the show, I’m just waiting for 1’s and 0’s to start flying across the screen while the matrix essplodes.

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Before he takes off, Juan Pablo winks at Pookie as though to say, “hey, it’s no big deal that your father hates me and in no way wants me to marry you.”

It’s a big deal, Pookie. It’s a big deal.

Welcome to Sarasota, you're from here, have you ever been here before?

We get to the home of Renee, the single mom who I’m pretty sure is a lesbian, and learn that Sarasota, FL is the home of the seagull and that little guy, would you just look at that little guy?

Renee tells us that she’s going to literally eat her son when she sees him and don’t literally eat your son, Renee, because he would die. That’s cannibalism.

Juan Pablo emerges from the reeds doing a broadway jig.

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Juan Pablo says, “welcome to Sarasota!” to Renee and I’m concerned that no one has told Juan Pablo that Renee is, in fact, from Sarasota and that he is, in fact, not.

Renee is so excited to see her son that she says to Juan Pablo, “you have no idea,” and he says, “I have no idea, I know,” and truer words have never been spoken on the show.

She finally sees her son Ben and picks him up, and I laugh because it sort of just looks like a giant Renee ran out and picked up a tiny baseball player at a tiny baseball game.

Renee checks to make sure that Ben knows that she’s just crying because she’s happy, and in my head I imagine all of the times Ben has walked into the living room when mommy was drinking a bottle of wine crying and said that to him.

Renee talks about how hanging out with Juan Pablo at her son’s little league game is just super natural, like a normal couple. A normal couple that’s on a round-robin marriage tournament television show, and THAT WAS A DIRTY SLIDE, BEN, THAT KID’S ACHILLES IS FUCKING TOAST.

Look at this picture and tell me this isn’t the first thing that comes to mind if you imagine meeting someone’s mother who’s from Florida.

Renee says that she trusted him and that’s why she let him meet Ben and he says, “very thank you” and I get visibly angry that she didn’t say, “very you’re welcome.”

She doesn’t say I love you even though she wants to, he leaves, and all of us are just patiently waiting for Renee to leave the show and pursue women already.

The baby giraffe didn't fall far from the baby giraffe tree.

We get to the home of Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband,  and learn that Sacramento, CA is the home of squirrels, and bees, and what the fuck do these shots have to do with anything.

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Juan Pablo says he is just gonna go with the flow and let her take him whatever she wants, and whatever is not a place.

Clare tells Juan Pablo about her father and how much she misses him while sitting on Juan Pablo’s lap, and I think those daddy issues are a loud and clear neon sign right now, Clare, don’t you worry.

Juan Pablo tickles Clare’s tricep as though to say, “ees okay girl.”

Clare tells a heartwarming story about when her father was passing away, we all actually feel bad for her and for a moment, I’m okay with her not having an i in her name.

Then she tells us that when her father passed away she shut off all her emotions and no one believes you, Clare, we’ve been watching you on the TV and that’s a lie.

They throw bread crumbs in the water for the ducks and take off for dinner.

But not before this duck doesn’t get any bread and we all feel a sadness we can’t explain.

They sit down for dinner with her family and casually discuss their travels, and one sister talks about how many times they went swimming in Vietnam and why did they go in the ocean again and these faces say more than a joke could.

Clare’s sister asks Clare what she’d do if Juan Pablo asked her to marry him and she cries and she’s annoying me again and all I can think about is how if I were there, I’d go back to that pond and feed that duck.

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Juan Pablo says that everytime Clare talks to him he puts himself, “on her shoes,” and that’s not how the saying goes.

Lara, the unattractive sister, has a problem with Clare being the happiest princess and gets angry at her for talking to “momma” on the TV show and between you and me, Internet, I think Clare’s family is the batshit crazy we had hoped it would be.

Lara stands 10 feet away as Clare talks to her mom and then randomly interrupts from time to time and no one is surprised because what did you honestly expect from five other Clare’s.

Clare cries to one of her other sisters, and if Juan Pablo didn’t want to sign up for a lifetime of the baby giraffe before, lord knows he does now because the best thing to do when you invite a significant other over to meet your family is to hate all of them and cry.

The family dog breaks the fourth wall and stares deep into my eyes, and I imagine him saying in a sad British accent, “please sir, save me. You live but miles away.”

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Clare’s mom tells Juan Pablo that she trusts that he will “do the right decision” and that’s how Juan Pablo talks and for a moment, I imagine Juan Pablo falling madly and deeply in love with her, giving her a rose and running away with her as Clare cries.

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I only wish. I only wish.

Renee, the single mom who I’m pretty sure is a lesbian, doesn’t get the rose and is eliminated, and her kid is officially alright and she’s officially not.

On to the fantasy suites portion.

I don't want to disrespect your daugther, so I think we should have sex not on TV this time.

We move on to St. Lucia, a tropical island where the frogs are frogs, the salamanders are salamanders, and the Juan Pablo’s participate in round robin marriage tournaments.

Juan Pablo says he’s essited for the overnight dates because that’s when they can “talk” without cameras being there and I’m as skeptical as my mother was when I told her I just wanted to talk to my girlfriend in high school with the door closed.

Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, says that if you had told her a year ago that she’d be standing in St. Lucia with the man of her dreams on The Bachelor she wouldn’t believe you and I sure wouldn’t either, Clare, because that’s too specific, it’s just too specific.

They go hang out on a yacht as Clare talks about how worried she is about accidentally having sex with Juan Pablo again, and we all miss Sharleen, the girl who had Mundo because SHE was on a yacht with him and be free, young Mundo. Be free. Just like that bird.

Clare’s breasts are not real.

They jump into the ocean off of a yacht for the 1,487th time in the history of this television show, and I just want them to get new ideas.

She jokingly touches his face and don’t you dare, Clare, no one touches the face but Juan Pablo. NnnnnnOOO.

Clare asks if things work out with them if it’s weird that she wants to meet his daughter, and I’m not sure Clare understands how being a stepmom works.

Clare tells Juan Pablo that after having sex with him in the ocean in Vietnam, she’s a scosh hesitant to just jump in the water again on an overnight date (see what I did there) and that she’s a little reluctant. Juan Pablo says that it makes him, how do you say, “happy” that she respects that and wait, honestly, he has trouble with the word “happy”?

She decides to go to the fantasy suite with him because since the day he blindfolded her in the car she’s trusted him and read that sentence back but out loud.

They have a glass of champagne that Juan Pablo creepily moans into at their suite, he begins to pet her ear and then the nose bandit takes another nose.

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She tells him she’s falling in love with him, he doesn’t say it back and then we can only imagine the baby giraffe is birthed again.

Hey, I slept with Clare last night! What were you saying, I wasn't listening.

After spending the night with Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, Juan Pablo does what anyone else would do and decides to spend the day with his second girlfriend on the same island.

Andi, the girl who’s a lawyer that is too intelligent for Juan Pablo, talks about how she’s excited to see Juan Pablo and I bet that island person is super happy that the white people are filming the TV show outside of her hut again.

They go to a seafood festival and play steel drums with a band and The Harmonites look super excited to be hanging out with them.

They drive around in a dune buggy and Andi says that she can see herself riding passenger seat with him, and that’s because you’re riding passenger seat with him.

They sit under a waterfall again, because that’s what Juan Pablo and Andi do together, and all I can think about is if Juan Pablo is this hard to understand with subtitles, why not add rushing water falling on your face.

They say yes to the fantasy suite, and then go back to what I presume is the exact same room he just had sex with the baby giraffe in because romance.

In the morning Juan Pablo says that he can really see a life with Andi and that he loves her cheeks because they’re like this.

And then Andi says that she hated the entire evening and that she realized she doesn’t like Juan Pablo so, yep, sounds sort of like a real date where no one has any idea what the other one was thinking, ever.

She said she was surprised that the man from the TV just talked about himself all night. Because why would someone get the impression that someone who went on the national television show about them would ever be self-centered. Weird.

She was also weirded out that the guy on the show where you meet tons of girls and make out with all of them was talking about the other girls he was seeing, and while I get it I also just don’t understand why you went on the TV show where you date the guy that dates all of the girls that you live with.

She says she realizes she doesn’t want to marry him now, and these horses say, “go with what you feel, girl.”

What are we doing today? I wore my breasts. 

It’s time for the final overnight, and Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, is so excited to go horseback riding  that she wears upstate New York, 1976.

Nikki says that Juan Pablo has a little sparkle, and I miss Tierra more than I ever knew I could.


Nikki talks about her concerns about how Juan Pablo isn’t 100% sure about who he’s going to pick and honestly, she’s just wearing her breasts again, and it’s not like I have a huge problem with it but she’s just wearing breasts on her breasts.

Nikki continues on about how she’s afraid of getting hurt so Juan Pablo asks if she wants to go swim because he seems pretty concerned about her emotions.

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At dinner he touches her face a bunch, because that’s Juan Pablo’s way of saying, “hey girl, sorry I’m dating a bunch of your friends.”

He says that he can see the wheels turning, and then she says the wheels are turning, and then he says he doesn’t know what that means, and wait you just said that though.

Juan Pablo says, “I think a lot” and debatable Juan Pablo, debatable.

They decide to go to the fantasy suite and Juan Pablo says “we gonna have overnight,” like a small child discussing a slumber party.

He kisses her and plays with her chin, and I can only imagine he will take her nose soon.

She tells him she loves him, he doesn’t say it back, and then they presumably “sleep” on what I hope are sheets that have been changed at least once at this point.

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I don't essept you, Juan Pablo. 

Before he heads to the rose ceremony, Juan Pablo stares at framed pictures of the women he’s dating, as any casual dater/serial killer does.

He then watches videos of all three of them (as one does) proclaiming their love for him, except for Andi, the girl who’s a lawyer that is too intelligent for Juan Pablo, who proclaims that she’d like to talk to him in person and presumably tell him this.

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They meet up and Andi tells him how wildly disappointed she was in their night together. That she gave up all of her life to be there, and he says, “eets okay.” But Andi does not think eets okay.

Juan Pablo then speaks to her in the third person, which is confusing.

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She then tells him that he never asks a single thing about her. And that she didn’t appreciate the fact that he brought up spending the night with other girls. And while it’s all completely logical, I find myself confused as to why this hasn’t come up in the 18 other seasons of the show.

He says he’s being honest. She says there’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole, and look at that fucking mantis eating that hand, guys.

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Andi and him debate whether or not he said the word default when he said that he kept her on the show only because he didn't like Renee, and he says he doesn’t even know that word, and you gotta admit that’s believable.

She then says he doesn’t listen to her and that she listens to him, and he says, “what’s my religion,” and she says, “catholic”, he makes a face because he realizes he’s an asshole and anyone who’s ever been in a relationship realizes that we’re watching something called a “relationship” right now.

Andi makes a frowney-face, they argue more, she tells him to never say “eees okay” again because she hates him and then he touches her face one last time.

But he never, ever gives her back her nose.

And I’m worried she’ll never smell again.


Renee, because I’m pretty sure all they had in common is the ability to make children.

Andi, because she hates Juan Pablo.


Juan Pablo, because nobody likes him in America anymore.


Nikki, because she’s pretty great

Clare, because if you wear a baby bump on a first date and then talk about your dead father for hours straight and then have sex with someone in an ocean that they said was sexual assault and then you tell them it was like being a baby giraffe and they’re STILL into you, I just don’t know how you’re not in the running.

See you next week for the finale, everyone.


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