Where We Left Off
Last week, Juan Pablo continued to lower the self-esteem of two more women who probably already had some self-esteem issues by eliminating them from the "try out to get married on television and hopefully don't publicly humiliate yourself" show, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 6.
Cassandra, because her job was “not my old job.”
And Kat, because she told a sad story about her father being an alcoholic so hey, why, not dump her on national television.
Juan Pablo and the ladies went to New Zealand, where the horses run, the sheep are adorable and nobody puts baby giraffes in corners. It was basically two hours of us having to hear about how Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, didn’t mean to embarrass Juan Pablo in any way by having sex with him on the national television show his four year old daughter watches, which is a pretty convincing argument when you then talk about how much you want to have sex with him again. On national television.
This week we’ve been promised that we’re going to Miami, where Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, is going to tell Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, that she hates her and Sharleen, the girl who has Mundo, is going to hear a little voice.
A little voice that presumably tells her that Juan Pablo does not understand English, which is a problem, because that is the language that she speaks.
We open on an instagram-worthy sunflair shot of Juan Pablo driving through Miami, which is his hometown where he tells us “everything begin” because why start the show with a proper complete sentence.
Because he’s excited to see his daughter, he goes, “eeeeEEEEEEE!” like a young child would when it was excited for something, like food or because it went to the bathroom.
He tells us that he’s off to surprise Camilla, because there’s no better way to throw a surprise party than to have a camera crew waiting and filming the human being that you are surprising so they have no idea what’s coming and just presume that their life randomly became The Truman Show.
Juan Pablo explains to his cousin Rudolfo that Sharleen, the girl who has mundo, could very well be the one he wants to marry on the round robin marriage tournament, and I can’t take any of the conversation seriously because Rudolfo has adult braces and it feels like a 13 year old telling another 13 year old that he fell in love in homeroom.
Juan Pablo explains that Sharleen is an opera singer, but I’m pretty sure he says “oprah” singer and in my head I imagine Oprah singing Opera and my head essplodes and Rudolfo still has adult braces, guys, Rudolfo still has adult braces.
He tells Rudolfo he feels great with “this remaining women,” and that is a singular followed by a pluralization and that’s not how sentences work.
As the girls are on their way into Miami, Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, asks the other girls if they think they are going to meet Juan Pablo’s family or friends, and that’s how dating works, Clare.
The entire time, Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, looks like she wants Clare to die in a fire.
Clare tells us that today there are six women and that they are going to send two home and that THAT means that there will be four women and I feel like Clare must have loved Sesame Street, and/or still watches it often and claps at the TV in excitement when The Count explains addition and subtraction.
Juan Pablo comes over to the girls hotel and asks Sharleen, the girl who has mundo, on the first one-on-one date, but not before he slouches and makes a silly face like one does to a puppy, or a small child, or someone that doesn’t have adult conversations yet.
Sharleen acts really awkward about going on the date and all the girls talk about how obnoxious it is that she is gets to go on the date because she doesn’t like Juan Pablo because she only likes intelligent people, and they all throw their metaphorical not intelligent Tonka trucks in the sandbox because no fair no fair.
I begin to wonder why people go on this show at all, but then a commercial comes on for Weight Watchers that stars Jessica Simpson and I remember that I’m watching The Bachelor.
And that I’m reviewing it. Borderline professionally.
I like the words you say. Just kidding, I don’t know words.
For the one-on-one date Sharleen, the girl who has mundo, and Juan Pablo are going to go on a yacht around Miami and we’re all going to do everything in our power not to sing the Will Smith song the entire time.
Back at home, Chelsie, the girl who is a science educator (not a teacher), is still angry that she didn’t get picked for the one-on-one date because she doesn’t feel like Sharleen and Juan Pablo even have any chemistry. That’s because you’re only a science educator, Chelsie, not yet a teacher who understands the science of chemistry.
All of the girls talk about how Sharleen is weird because she likes nerdy intellectual guys, and I begin to get super excited because I’M nerdy and at least smart enough to form sentences, and there’s my fiancée petting my head again like a small child.
Sharleen and Juan Pablo travel around Miami on a yacht and she says that she feels a chemistry with him but doesn’t feel like they get each other, and that’s because he doesn’t speak English well, Sharleen.
Sharleen asks Juan Pablo if he thinks she seems uptight today, and he tells her that “today you’re not that tight” and that’s not the same thing and I’m not sure that’s appropriate to say on television.
Sharleen tells Juan Pablo that he’s trouble, so much so that he must look in the mirror and be like, “God, I’m trouble” and I think about him trying to look in a mirror and saying that to himself and then getting confused when he doesn’t know who that person in the mirror is because I’d imagine mirrors confuse him, like a laser confuses a cat.
He kisses her nose but does NOT take it, and I’m proud of him because baby steps.
The majority of their date is them making out because they have nothing in common but a ridiculously strong sexual attraction to each other, and in a way I feel like that’s oddly more genuine than most of the girls because SHARLEEN IS THE BEST, I AM NOT BIASED.
He tells Sharleen that he likes the words that she uses and she asks, “which words?” and he says, “I don’t know” and everyone who has ever been in a relationship knows this moment, because it’s the moment when someone says "are you even listening?" and you say, “yes I was listening” and someone says, “okay what did I say?” and you say, “you know, something about something.”
It’s also funny because I worry Juan Pablo honestly just can’t think of any words off the top of his head. Like, any words. At all.
In an odd moment, Sharleen pulls a Juan Pablo and touches his arm funny, the same way he touches people’s faces and wait, are they a good match? God damnit.
Nope, nevermind. Sharleen goes home and tells Renee, the single mom who I’m pretty sure is a lesbian, that she thinks she should probably just go home because she’s not into Juan Pablo enough and who else would you talk to about that but the girl whose kids are alright, even if she’s on a national round robin marriage tournament television show and not with them.
I’m really into you. Want to meet the person I failed at marriage with?
Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, has the next one-on-one date, and she learns that she’s going to go to Juan Pablo’s four year old daughter’s dance recital and meet his ex-wife and this is the deer-in-headlights face you make when you find out that’s a “date” you’re going on.
Nikki says she feels the good kind of nervous, the kind you feel when you’re meeting someone’s daughter, and parents, and ex-wife, and that’s not a good kind of nervous that exists and it’s way too specific.
Juan Pablo’s ex-wife appears to have that same kind of good nervous. Just kidding, she has resting bitch face and looks like she hates everyone.
Back at home, Andi, the girl who’s a lawyer that is too intelligent for Juan Pablo, looks like she’s either going to Coachella or starring in Xanadu.
Nikki says she’s “speechless mindblown” right now and then makes this face, because because.
Camilla does an adorable dance, and Camilla’s mom honey-boo-boo’s the shit out of her.
I often think a lot of horrible things, but for what it’s worth, Juan Pablo genuinely just loves the crap out of his daughter, and maybe he’s not father of the year but he’s a good dad and that’s a start.
Right after that I realized he’s leveraging his four year old daughter on national television to find someone to marry, and then I remember he’s gottttalonnnnn way to go.
At the end of Camilla’s dance, Camilla talks to her dad and Nikki, the woman from the TV, and they give her flowers and Camilla’s mother looks pretty excited that she’s speaking with them first.
Then Camilla gives mommy the flowers daddy’s sixth girlfriend gave her, and that is in no way demoralizing on national television.
Juan Pablo tells Nikki the nurse that tomorrow is his ex-wife’s birthday, and who wouldn’t want to meet their ex-husband’s sixth girlfriend to celebrate.
Considering he dumped Cassandra, the girl whose profession was ‘not my old job’, last week, seems like maybe Juan Pablo isn’t that best at birthday presents.
Nikki then talks about how great it was to meet Juan Pablo’s young daughter and his family while wearing only her breasts.
For the evening, Juan Pablo drives Nikki into Marlins Park in Miami and Nikki says she’s speechless, and then says words, and that’s not how being speechless works.
Nikki says I feel really tiny right now, and then she IS really tiny and I see what you did there, editor.
They play catch for a while but then he says he’d rather kiss her than throw the ball and then he grabs her face and breathes really heavily and kisses her and I just want him to take a timeout and stop breathing so hard.
Nikki talks about how speechless she is and then talks again, and then Juan Pablo stares at her breasts.
Nikki talks about how nice his family is, and he stares at her breasts some more.
She asks him if his ex-wife is cool with all of this, and he says that if the moon and the skies are, then so is she, and that was his actual answer.
Nikki says that Juan Pablo hit a home run because they are in a place where people play baseball. She says she is in love with him and that she wants a rest of her life, and that’s how life works if you stay alive.
Mostly, I just want to know how her breasts stayed inside of her blouse thing while she played baseball.
All we are is Mundo in the wind.
Before we head out for the group date, Sharleen, the girl who has mundo, tells the girls that she’s going to leave the show because she doesn’t want to take a potential spot one of them could have because they are more into him than she is. They all do what girls do and pretend to be there for her and totally hold her hand and we all know they’re all pretty stoked, like you just found out Obama decided at the last second he was just going to bow out of the presidential race.
Sharleen tells Juan Pablo that what she’s about to tell him is excruciatingly difficult, and that must be really confusing for him because there is no way he has any idea what that word means.
She tells him she’s leaving and it’s oddly genuinely sad, because you can tell he really liked her. So much so that he touches her nose.
He tells her that you cannot be sorry for something that you feel, and I’m paralyzed with fear because AM I FALLING IN LOVE WITH JUAN PABLO? I HAVE FEELINGS TOO, JUAN PABLO. I AGREE WITH YOU. FEEL THEM. FEEL THEM ALL.
Sharleen, the girl with mundo, leaves the show, and all of us feel a sadness that no mundo can mundo.
Juan Pablo says a bunch of intelligent shit about honesty and appreciation while earnestly crying, and don’t look now but I would essept a rose from this man.
We will miss you, Ms. Mundo. But the horrible television show must go on.
No I hate YOU. No I hate YOU.
Chelsie, the girl who is a science educator (not a teacher), opens the group date by talking about how since Sharleen left, getting through to the next round is closer because subtraction, and all I can think about is how maybe the should just have The Count on this show.
Renee, the single mom who I’m pretty sure is a lesbian, claps as a plane flies by, because planes are essiting.
Juan Pablo says the girls are going to a private beach with him, “definite to get one on one time.” But definite not definitely.
Chelsie further explains to us that if she gets the rose, she’ll get to go on a date, and I’m pretty sure Chelsie is just explaining the show now and it’s all starting to add up that Chelsie is not yet a teacher, but rather an educator.
Chelsie then pulls out a stack of notes her mom packed for her before she went on her big-girl marriage television show that she could read if she ever got homesick and maybe you’re not ready to get married, Chelsie, maybe you’re not ready to get married.
Andi, the girl who’s a lawyer that is too intelligent for Juan Pablo, tells Juan Pablo that she’s nervous but he squeezes her cheeks together so everything’s okay.
Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, casually mentions that she has five other sisters and I think in my head how awful it would be to have to sit in a room with all of those baby giraffes. Awful.
She then talks about the DVD she’s using as collateral to marry someone, and I fucking hate Clare and put a goddamn i in your name already.
Clare doesn’t get the rose, Andi does, Clare says it doesn’t make sense to her that she has to watch other girls go on dates, and that’s how the show works, Clare.
Juan Pablo waves at the women he didn’t select that day as they fly by in an airplane while he’s on a date with the one he did pick, and turns out birthdays aren’t the only thing Juan Pablo is very bad at.
Back at home, the girls all tell Nikki that they weren’t the prettiest princesses and weren’t picked for the final date that evening. And then sit and stare at each other in silence. Awkward, awkward silence.
Then we get to watch Clare tell Nikki that she’s the stupidist.
Then Nikki says no YOU’RE the stupidist.
Then Nikki tells Clare to leave her room, and Clare says that it isn’t her room.
And then SHE says “did you sleep in here?”
And then SHE says “did you pay for it?”
And then they repeat that sequence 4,392 more times and then we all realize we’re watching girls fight on television and we get monumentally depressed about our lives.
Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, tells Clare that she’s crazy and that’s funny because it’s true.
Sharleen, because she had more mundo than Juan Pablo could handle.
Chelsie, because Juan Pablo needs a science teacher, not a science educator.
SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:
Renee, because I’m pretty sure all they have in common is the ability to make children.
Nikki, because she’s pretty great
Clare, because if you wear a baby bump on a first date and then talk about your dead father for hours straight and then have sex with someone in an ocean that they said was sexual assault and then you tell them it was like being a baby giraffe and they’re STILL into you, I just don’t know how you’re not in the running.
See you next week, everyone.