Where We Left Off
Last week, Juan Pablo continued to lower the self-esteem of three women who probably already had some self-esteem issues by eliminating them from the "try out to get married on television and hopefully don't publicly humiliate yourself" show, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 8.
Kelly, because there’s lots of dogs that need love out there in the real world.
Danielle, because sadly, black people aren’t allowed to stay on the bachelor.
And Alli, because we still didn’t even know how to make fun of her.
Juan Pablo and the ladies went to Vietnam, where Cassandra, the girl whose profession is ‘not my old job’, was so impressed by farms that she hoped they’d bring them back to America one day, because that’s what someone whose job is ‘not my old job’ would think about the farm situation in America. Other than that, the real takeaway was that Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, decided it was a good idea to have sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean on national television and later described it as the feeling a baby giraffe feels when being born. Like how most of us feel after having sex with someone we care about. Like a baby giraffe. Being born. Juan Pablo made sure to shame her for having sex with him in the ocean later that evening, because baby giraffe sex isn’t consensual and who doesn’t know that.
This week we’ve been promised that we’re going to New Zealand and that Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, is still going to be confused about the fact that it was probably a bad idea to have sex with a father of a 4 year old on national television, even if it made her feel like a baby giraffe and that Sharleen, the girl who has mundo, is probably finally at the point where she’s realizing it was a horrible idea to go on a TV show to try to get married to a guy who is bad at speaking her language.
We open on a shot of horses running wild and free, much like the spirits of Juan Pablo and his ladies and look at that little guy in the back, look at him, catch up little guy you are the cutest.
Juan Pablo says he likes this place because it has rivers, and mountains, and volcanoes and you can actually feel the energy bubbling up from the under the earth, and that’s scientifically how volcanoes work.
Referring to the girls, he says “I could wait to see them” but I think he was trying to say “I can’t wait to see them” and those are two different things.
Chelsie, the girl who is a science educator (not a teacher), talks about how it’s great to be able to be in New Zealand dating this incredible man and then walks around with his 7 other girlfriends, because that’s what you do on a vacation with your significant other.
Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, says that even though New Zealand is a romantic place, there’s a dark cloud over it because last week everything kind of blew up in her face, but no it didn’t Clare, it blew up underwater. On national television.
Andi, the girl who’s a lawyer that is too intelligent for Juan Pablo, gets the first one-on-one date, and all I can think about is the fact that if that were actually a male’s handwriting and that was a card he sent a woman, I just can’t see her being that excited about the date for a plethora of reasons. The first being his female handwriting.
Clare gets so jealous that she almost begins to cry before anything has even happened in an episode, because baby giraffe’s are sensitive. She then says that the pressure between her and Juan Pablo is building and building and that it’s going to erupt in New Zealand and nope, that happened in Vietnam, Clare, which is an entirely different country, much like El Salvador.
Cassandra, the girl whose profession is ‘not my old job’, has a heart to heart with Renee, the single mom who I’m pretty sure is a lesbian, and cries a lot and says that it’s hard to be there because she misses her son and wants to find true love. In my mind, I find it funnier when I imagine that Renee just told Cassandra that there are farms in America and Cassandra is moved to tears.
Point at something and I’ll tell you what it is, literally.
For the one-on-one date Andi and Juan Pablo are going to go somewhere in a boat that’s sadly not a water car, but that doesn’t stop him from touching her head uncomfortably because why not, it’s been 7 minutes into an episode.
They play intense techno music and I bet Andi really was hoping her face wouldn’t look like that on television.
Andi says repeatedly, “we’re in a boat in New Zealand!” to Juan Pablo and it’s funny because I imagine her actually feeling that it’s necessary to essplain this to him because look at his face.
Juan Pablo says that he, “plans for her very important date today,” and if he said, “In soviet Russia, date dates YOU” I wouldn’t even be shocked right now.
They find out they’ll be going swimming and everyone is shocked, which is weird because everyone is also already wearing bathing suits, because who doesn’t casually wear a bathing suit underneath their clothes on the off chance that you may or may not go swimming every day of your life.
Andi says that she feels like they are in the middle of a jungle, or a cave, and I bet Andi just kills it at the DMV when they ask her to say the letters she’s looking at.
She then says they are literally in a tunnel between caves and I just imagine Juan Pablo asking her, “how do you use the word literally?” because nailed it.
For the first time ever, someone who is not Juan Pablo is captioned on the show, and I imagine Juan Pablo watching this episode somewhere crying tears of joy.
They look really attractive making out under a waterfall, and the rest of us imagine the last time we kissed someone and how it was not under a waterfall.
Juan Pablo said he decided to have dinner in front of a geyser because he thinks the meal is going to blow their minds and for a guy who doesn’t seem to speak English you’re doing great with the metaphors, Juan Pablo.
Back at home, Cassandra, the girl whose profession is ‘not my old job’, finds out she’s not going on the one-on-one date and so she makes a heart with her hands that’s broken, just like hers, because ‘not dancers’ need love too.
Juan Pablo and Andi discuss love by a geyser and Juan Pablo tries to take her nose again, but you can’t Juan Pablo, because you took it two episodes ago and you never gave it back.
Andi assepts the rose and Juan Pablo touches her face awkwardly.
Juan Pablo says he’s essited that Andi wants a family, kinda just like him, and I hope so Juan Pablo because you kinda already have a kid, which is a family.
She says that it’s ironic that they are standing next to a geyser because that’s how she feels about their love, and just when I thought someone was going to use the words literally and ironic correctly in a segment, I’m proven wrong by the girl who “read alottttttt."
It’s your 22nd birthday? Here, I got you national embarrassment.
For the group date, Juan Pablo and the girls meet up in a meadow and as they’re walking, ABC flashes an ad for a show called Mindgames and that’s either an incredible accident or brilliant marketing.
They get into giant plastic hamster balls that roll down hills and sometimes he makes out with them and for the most part it just looks awkward.
One of the giant plastic hamster balls gives birth to Sharleen, the girl who has mundo, and that’s not fair DON’T YOU MAKE HER LOOK LIKE THAT, ABC.
They end up in the shire from The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings for the cocktail party, and all of the other girls besides Sharleen are clearly not into it because NERRRRRDS. I begin to feel like Sharleen probably has an opinion on Battlestar Galactica and I get stoked, and there’s my fiancée petting my head again like a small child.
Renee, the single mom who I’m pretty sure is a lesbian, says that today was one of the best days of her life, even though she hasn’t spoken to Juan Pablo yet and don’t look now but either my lesbian theory is absurdly correct or Renee needs to expect more of dates, like speaking to one another.
Juan Pablo tells Renee that he views her and Cassandra, the girl whose profession is ‘not my old job’, as his “special ones” and pets her face and we could honestly be watching Kiss The Girls right now.
Renee says that she’d love to kiss Juan Pablo for the rest of her life, and that’s a pretty healthy thing to say on a 6th date with a guy who’s dating 7 of your other friends.
Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, tells Juan Pablo that she’s falling for him and Juan Pablo does what a Juan Pablo does and touches her ear.
Sharleen, the girl who has mundo, says she has a lot to talk about with Juan Pablo and then sits down and makes out with him without talking, logically.
She tells him he cuts right to the chase and he doesn’t know what that means because words are hard.
He then takes his face touching to new levels and tickles her jawbone, because if you can’t get their nose you can at least have a tickle war.
She tells him she feels this whole process is inorganic, and he says he unnnersands but I don’t think he does and like a hobbit mind trick he just touches her face more and kisses her and somehow it works and ohhh I’m so frusraaated.
Chelsie, the girl who is a science educator (not a teacher), makes a Gollum joke, and Cassandra, the girl whose profession is ‘not my old job’, gets it and my head almost essplodes.
Cassandra tells Juan Pablo how wonderful she thinks he is, Juan Pablo gives a non-response and touches her face, and I think we all know that Juan Pablo would be terrible at poker and would just touch everyone’s face at the table when he had a shitty hand.
Sharleen esspets the group date rose and then Juan Pablo takes Cassandra, the girl whose profession is ‘not my old job’, out front and dumps her on national television because it’s her 22nd birthday and why not make things horrible for her.
Now she’s not just a former NBA dancer, but a former Bachelor contestant as well. She’s collecting a decent resume of ‘not jobs’.
Hobbit cat is just stoked that it can go back to bed.
I don’t know what your giraffe words mean, but I like them.
Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, has the final one-on-one date but before we get started look at those sheep, guys, just look at those sheep.
Clare says that she’s nervous about the date today because Juan Pablo disrespected her and that she wants to crawl back in her little turtle shell. She says that if he doesn’t say sorry, SHE might leave, and yeaaaah you THREATEN him you little baby giraffe in that turtle shell. NOBODY puts baby giraffe in the corner.
Juan Pablo tells Clare that he doesn’t think she understood him at the rose ceremony the other day and no, Juan Pablo, no one ever understands you, because you don’t speak english well.
She tells him that she would never in a million years do anything that would be weird or awkward for his daughter, and that’s strange because she’s on a TV show with the daughter's father having sex with him in the ocean and trying to marry him on that TV show and I’m pretty sure that’s probably pretty awkward for her.
She then asks him if he thinks they did anything wrong, and everyone on the planet’s head essplodes.
In a strange moment, Juan Pablo says he didn’t want to “let her down” so he didn’t tell her to stop in the ocean, and I’m pretty sure they’re both describing date rape, so that’s cool.
They sit down for dinner and he styles her hair. In an odd moment, I realize they’re perfect for each other.
Clare tells Juan Pablo that in the past she’d just bolt from relationships and he asks her, “what does that means” and there’s just too much to make fun of.
Clare esspets the rose, Juan Pablo has the word bolt essplained to him one more time, and the whole world is so bored they want to go back into their turtle shell and go the fuck to sleep.
I just told you I’m definitely not going home, so I’m probably going home.
To start the rose ceremony off right, Juan Pablo inexplicably tells Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, that he’s wearing pink underwear because why not.
Chelsie, the girl who is a science educator (not a teacher), tells Juan Pablo she’s frazzled and he doesn’t know what that means and I feel like we’re running out of ways to make a “Juan Pablo is bad at words” joke.
Kat, the one I can’t make fun of who actually seems pretty normal (that looks like Sweet Dee), tells us really sad stories about her dad (a clutch last ditch move on these shows) and no one feels happy and then she tells us she’s definitely not going home and we all know she’s going home now.
Cassandra, because she’s 22 and didn’t have a job, GROW UP CASSANDRA.
Kat, because anytime you can dump someone on their birthday and someone who has an alcoholic father in one evening, you gotta do it.
SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:
Renee, because I’m pretty sure all they have in common is the ability to make children.
Chelsie, because she hasn’t educated us about science in a while.
Nikki, because she’s pretty great.
Sharleen, because no but SHE’S the best.
Clare, because if you wear a baby bump on a first date and then talk about your dead father for hours straight and then have sex with someone in an ocean that they said was sexual assault and then you tell them it was like being a baby giraffe and they’re STILL into you, I just don’t know how you’re not in the running.
See you next week, everyone.