Where We Left Off
Last week, Juan Pablo continued to lower the self-esteem of two women who probably already had some self-esteem issues by eliminating them from the "try out to get married on television and hopefully don't publicly humiliate yourself" show, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 11.
Elise, because seriously, she was the dumbest.
And Lauren, because she drove a piano bike up to the show and that probably should have ended her run on the show sooner.
Juan Pablo and the ladies went to Seoul, South Korea even though it’s debatable half of them had any idea where they were other than “probably Asia”. He had two group dates with the ladies, one in which fish ate their feet and they waddled around in swan boats and another in which they danced and sang with Korea’s premier terrible band. Both featured most of the women not liking each other. His sole one-on-one date was with Sharleen, the girl who has mundo, who had to explain words to him that most small children know, which was concerning. For the rest of the episode, Juan Pablo decided that he couldn’t kiss the girls anymore, but he could certainly take their noses and/or touch their faces in odd ways, because Juan Pablo loves to touch people’s faces in odd ways.
This week we’ve been promised that we’re going to Vietnam and that Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, is probably going to sexually assault Juan Pablo in the ocean and then cry and while that’s not a funny sentence to write, it also is.
It’s also now Februjuanry. To be clear.
We open on a shot of] Juan Pablo in a boat saying he’s ‘excited’ instead of ‘essited’ and Kaiser Soze, guys, see? He does know how to say his words right.
He then tells us that he has 11 girls left and that he’s keeping his eyes very open right now, but know you’re not, Juan Pablo. No you’re not.
He then says that he knows that one of this will be his wife and that’s not proper english, and/or he just called women a ‘this’ which, actually, yeah I could see that.
Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, yells “VIETNAM!” because that’s the country she’s in and when smart people go to countries they yell the name of it to tell the other people in that country that that’s the country they’re all in.
I wonder how on earth she didn’t participate in the season with Sean, the guy who yelled the name of the place he was, because they could have yelled the names of all of the countries for the rest of their lives together.
Kat, the one I can’t make fun of who actually seems pretty normal (that looks like Sweet Dee), says that this whole thing is sort of like Where In The World is Carmen San Diego, a young children’s game that teaches them about geography, and that’s accurate except that this is a game for adults that teaches them about how not to meet the person you should get married to.
Alli, the girl who isn’t even interesting yet to make jokes about, says that Vietnam is a pretty good setting for a love story, and I bet that’s the first time an American has said that in Vietnam since that whole Vietnam war thing.
Kat wants Juan Pablo to show her how to fly, just like Jack.
Renee, the single mom who I’m pretty sure is a lesbian, gets the one-on-one date, and say that she likes Juan Pablo so much that it makes her hands hurt, which is a weird sensation that she hasn’t felt in a really long time and I’m worried that she’s showing early symptoms of stroke and/or heart attack because I’m Jewish.
The only thing we have in common is that we both had successful sex with other people that, in turn, produced children.
For the one-on-one date Juan Pablo and Renee wander around Hoi An and talk about boring things and seem to have nothing in common and you know what, this feels like an actual first date for the first time on this show, maybe ever.
Juan Pablo asks a woman if he can buy a mango from her and she yells at him uncontrollably, probably because she can’t understand him at all and now you know how we feel, Vietnam.
They buy gifts for their children, and Renee says that she can definitely picture having a family with Juan Pablo, and that’s not rushing into things at all.
I imagine buying an ice cream with a girl on a first date and then saying to a stranger that I can definitely see myself buying an ice cream store and running it with my date in the future because we both like ice cream, and that’s pretty much the same thing.
Juan Pablo says that he can’t wait to see Renee tonight on her custom made fit dress and that’s not a sentence and that’s not how you wear custom made fit dresses.
He then says that she looks good on those dress and I can’t. I just can’t keep up.
At dinner, Renee gets hot so Juan Pablo blows air on her and touches her face, which is a next level Juan Pablo face touch maneuver.
I again think about a girl telling me she was warm on a first date and blowing air on her face while touching it and wondering how that would go over and my head essplodes.
Back at the hotel, a frog pensively considers his frog life while staring out at the ocean.
Juan Pablo explains that he’s not going to kiss Renee tonight because she has a son who is eight and is smart enough to wonder what that means if he sees it on television and it’s a wildly intelligent moment and I want it to stop because he’s more fun when he’s on sentences not making.
He tells her that she looks good on her dress rather than her dress looking good on her one more time, she essepts the rose, and the single mom who might be a lesbian and her kids are alright for another day and that’s a next level lesbian joke and I hope you see what I did there.
I wish they had farms in America.
For the group date, Juan Pablo takes the girls on the river in Vietnamese circle boats (not water cars) and everyone is angry because while most picked friends, Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, didn’t have any friends so she gets to ride with Juan Pablo because Clare isn’t here to make friends and full circle again.
Juan Pablo and Clare accidentally steer the boat into a corner and accidentally make out, and now everyone accidentally hates Clare more because put an i in your name, Clare, that’s not how you spell it.
Chelsie, the girl who is a science educator (not a teacher), talks about how romantic their time is walking around a small village, and as they do they show us a giant unattractive water buffalo because romance.
Everyone gets a cliche racist hat from a small Vietnamese family and learn that the romance is only getting more romantic and that they’re going to spend a day in the fields.
Cassandra, the girl whose profession is ‘not my old job’, says that it’s really cool that there is a farm with food in it and that she was telling the other girls that Americans should have this back at home and I begin to imagine where Cassandra has believed food has come from for the upwards of 7,665 days she’s been alive.
Andi, the girl who’s a lawyer that is too intelligent for Juan Pablo, is upset that she’s on a group date but Juan Pablo reassures her that he wants her around and that he wants her to have so much fun that her cheeks hurt from smiling. He shows her what he means by grabbing her face and making her cheeks hurt because he’s grabbing her face, the way the bad guy does in films like Sleeping With The Enemy.
Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, says that she’s just going to be Clare and that that’s all she can bring to the table, and that’s how being a person works.
They all head to have a cocktail hour and that is just too many garnishes on Andi’s drink.
Juan Pablo takes Clare for the first portion of the night and says it’s because she’s really getting out of her comfort zone, and apparently her comfort zone was swimming in hot tubs.
Sharleen, the girl who has mundo, says that she needs Juan Pablo to see her as a panda in a room full of brown bears because that’s what we all want people to see us as, pandas and not brown bears. I think about making fun of her more, but she is my imaginary television girlfriend and there’s my fiancée petting my head again like a small child.
Juan Pablo asks Sharleen to tell him what’s on her mind and then touches her face and makes the noises you make a horse when you want it to move, because that’s how women like to be treated.
He tells her that she’s “muy coochie” which means “too cute” in spanish and that’s absolutely not what it means in America. They “coochie” back and forth and make out a bunch and get off of my imaginary girlfriend, Juan Pablo.
Clare gets the rose, everyone hates Clare, and we think the night it’s over but nevermind, Clare and her father’s DVD sneak over to Juan Pablo’s room so that they can go swimming in the ocean.
In just about the sleaziest way possible, Juan Pablo talks about how on fire Clare is in her “jamas”, and I find it amazing that he's now called pajamas "jamas" and "payamas".
They then have sex in the ocean while a television crew films them because when you can go on national television and your Dad can’t watch it and you clearly don’t have a lot of dignity anyway, what do you really have to lose.
Mostly, I’m just impressed with the fact that they managed to have sex, as the waves looked big and the logistics seem really complicated in my head.
Clare says that it was one of the best night’s of her life, that it was sort of like a baby giraffe being born because it takes a second to process. To be clear, one of the best night’s of Clare’s life was going on a date with her boyfriend and his 8 other girlfriends and having sex with him on national television. Like a baby giraffe. Being born.
Be proud, Dad. I think we can play your DVD soon.
Sorry, my mind is still on the sex I had in the ocean with your roommate last night.
Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, has the final one-on-one date and what better way to start it then by having her ear pet while being told to “behave” by Juan Pablo, the man who just gave Clare her giraffe birth in the ocean only hours ago.
They’re going to rappel into a cave called hell, because romance, but not before Juan Pablo grabs her face again.
Nikki is nervous about going rappelling, and says that she’s either going to live, or die, or poop her pants and that’s an oddly cute thing to hear a woman say and I feel weird.
Nikki says that rappelling is a lot like falling in love because you have to trust things. Also, you might die. Just like love.
Juan Pablo touches her face while telling her that he’s pretty tired because he didn’t sleep a lot the night before, because when you have sex with someone’s friend in the ocean you should definitely casually allude to it on a date with them the next day.
Juan Pablo struggles to say the word “pediatric”, and everyone in America is horrified that this man seems to have custody of a small child.
He gives her the rose, she essepts it, and that’s about it for this pretty boringly normal portion of the show.
You just birthed me as a giraffe, do you really want me to go back into my turtle shell?
Juan Pablo has to eliminate three girls, and it’s hard for him, because he says he’s likin’ this girls.
Juan Pablo tells Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, that it was wrong of her to sneak over to his room and make him have sex with her in the ocean but that, hey, what happened happened but it can’t happen again and Clare makes the face girls make when a guy is starting to do the fade away and they're realizing it.
In an amazing moment, Juan Pablo explains logic to someone else and helps Clare realize that there have been people here with cameras (the whole time, Clare! I know, right?) and that they may or may not be filming this entire thing and that maybe, just maybe it’s going to be on the television that his daughter can watch. Mainly the part where she had sex on the television.
I’m also pretty sure that Juan Pablo insinuates that what they did wasn’t exactly consensual, and now I’m concerned Juan Pablo doesn’t understand the logic of the cameras filming things again.
Clare says that she wants to just crawl back into her little turtle shell, but you can’t, Clare. You’re a baby giraffe.
You’re a baby giraffe.
Kelly, because there’s lots of dogs that need love out there in the real world
Danielle, because sadly, black people aren’t allowed to stay on the bachelor.
Alli, because I still don’t know how to even make fun of her.
SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:
Renee, because I’m pretty sure all they have in common is the ability to make children.
Chelsie, because she hasn’t educated us about science in a while.
Nikki, because she’s pretty great.
Sharleen, because no but SHE’S the best.
Clare, because if you wear a baby bump on a first date and then talk about your dead father for hours straight and then have sex with someone in an ocean that they said was sexual assault and then you tell them it was like being a baby giraffe and they’re STILL into you, I just don’t know how you’re not in the running.
See you next week, everyone.