Where We Left Off
Last week, Juan Pablo continued to lower the self-esteem of two women who probably already had some self-esteem issues by eliminating them from the "try out to get married on television and hopefully don't publicly humiliate yourself" show, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 13.
Christy, the girl who we only knew was on the show because she was eliminated from it.
And Lucy, the free spirit who probably had to start planning which neon headband she’d wear to Coachella because it’s in like two months and decisions are hard for free spirits.
Juan Pablo had one-on-one dates with Cassandra, the girl whose profession is ‘not my old job’ who was mesmerized by Juan Pablo’s amazing water car and Chelsie, the girl who is a science educator, not a teacher, which sure sounds like a fancy way of saying a substitute. He had a group date with a bunch of the other girls where they played soccer because you play soccer? I play soccer! For the most part, he just touched people’s faces in what seemed like an uncomfortable way while speaking to them in what seemed like hard to understand english. Just kidding, it was hard to unnnersand.
This week we’ve been promised that most of the cast will go to to South Korea and that Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, is going where we all knew she would eventually go: “I’m emotionally unstable and unable to handle 12 other people dating my boyfriend” land. And holy shit, does that land look like it’s going to be a lot of fun to talk about.
We open on a shot of Juan Pablo playing with his daughter and telling us that goodbyes are “no easy” because Juan Pablo no form complete sentences usually, so why not get started early. His daughter then tells him that she has a wedgie, which is compelling television so they caption it.
Chris, the host that loves to color block, tells the girls that they’re going to South Korea and holy shit, guys, Kat, the one I can’t make fun of who actually seems pretty normal, looks more like Sweet Dee from It's Always Sunny every day.
They all get extremely excited and dance around a bathroom together, which is what you do when you and the twelve other people dating your boyfriend are all going to take a vacation together.
Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, tells us that she feels like her future husband might be waiting for her in South Korea and she doesn’t even have a kimono, and do you really even need to add a joke when someone actually says that sentence out loud on television? She then cries, because all Clare does these days is cry, and yells “Korea!” over and over again.
I have a sneaking suspicion that Clare doesn’t know where South Korea is. I only hope that her DVD is coded to play in their region.
Out in Seoul, Juan Pablo tells us that he’s excited for this part of his aventura because he loves meeting people and he loves meeting culture and you don’t really meet culture.
The girls walk around South Korea and point and wave at Asian people, because that’s what normal people do when they travel to respect culture.
They jump on the beds at the hotel, and we’re basically one pillow fight short of the teenage slumber party of a prepubescent boy’s dreams.
Let’s sing at a mall dressed how Asian girls dress to emulate their idea of American pop culture.
Juan Pablo tells us that for the first group date, he’s taking the girls dancing with a popular k-pop group. For some reason, he then takes pictures of small korean girls on the streets of Seoul and they blur out his iPhone because that’s definitely the issue legal should be worried about in this moment.
The girls tell us that they literally have no idea what they could be doing today because the date card just said “Pop!”. Cassandra, the girl whose profession is ‘not my old job’, guesses they could be making popcorn and Elise, the girl who loved Juan Pablo at first sight who Juan Pablo doesn’t recognize, thinks that they could be making gum because that’s exactly what you’d expect a 21 year old ex-dancer and a mildly unintelligent 1st grade teacher to guess in this situation.
Nikki, the girl who is a nurse who might use nurse contraptions sexually, cannot believe how fucking dumb the other girls are and I’m really starting to like Nikki.
We learn that the girls will be meeting 21, a k-pop group Juan Pablo describes as “as big as the Spice Girls” and I can’t wait to hear his thoughts on if they’ll unseat Chumbawamba in the long run.
In an amazing moment, the girls accidentally act like everyone’s racist impersonation of an asian girl (short of a peace sign).
We see one of the group members doing kicks on the floor while wearing star boobs and actually, Juan Pablo wasn’t that far off.
The girls and Juan Pablo all take turns showing 21 their sweet dance moves, and even though Nikki hates dancing she actually has the best moves.
Chelsie, the girl who is a science educator (not yet a teacher), tells us that it was like her childhood dream to be a backup dancer for a pop star and that’s a really low bar to set for one’s self. Considering she’s a backup teacher, I’m proud of her because she’s at least halfway there.
I realize that when she says childhood she means the year 2002, and all of a sudden I feel like I’m 4,208 years old.
Nikki is really annoyed and tells us that her outside face looks like this.
And that her inside face looks like this.
And that’s funny again and I’m so on board with Nikki with two k’s that it’s gross.
They dress her up like a sad girl from Hot Topic and that makes me sad, too, but only kind of because sad girls from Hot Topic are funny.
Juan Pablo dresses as Mugatu.
We head out to a mall so that the girls can dance with The Spice Girls of South Korea™.
Before they get going, Juan Pablo speaks broken korean in broken english and it’s like inception of broken languages.
Look at how excited this Asian guy is.
They dance around, Kat gets way too into it and I’m bored.
Later that night, they go for a hot date at the Korea Furniture Museum, because that’s what hot dates are made of: Korean furniture.
Elise, the girl who loved Juan Pablo at first sight who Juan Pablo doesn’t recognize, talks shit about how negative everyone is while completely disregarding the fact that this is, in fact, a negative thing to do.
Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, starts talking about how fake all the other girls are which upsets all the other girls because she’s being honest and the round robin marriage tournament isn’t a place for honesty.
Kat, the one I can’t make fun of who actually seems pretty normal, talks about her alcoholic father and it’s sad because she has daddy issues and I HAVE DADDY ISSUES AND EVERYONE HAS DADDY ISSUES. No, it’s actually really sad, though.
She says that it’s scary to feel sometimes, and that’s something robots say in robot movies.
Juan Pablo plucks at Nikki’s eyelashes and man, that shit is just getting weirder and weirder.
Nikki then tells Juan Pablo that she’s a great diaper changer, and I really hope Juan Pablo’s almost five year old daughter isn’t still in diapers.
She says she wants the rose more than she’s ever wanted the rose, and it’s been about 2-3 days so that’s not really saying much, Nikki.
Elise, the girl who loved Juan Pablo at first sight who Juan Pablo doesn’t recognize, says something is very “impor-ant” and I fucking hate girls who don’t say the first ‘t’ in the word important so much. So much. Go home, Elise, you’re the worst.
Juan Pablo gives Nikki the rose, and then darts his tongue at her.
He doesn’t really touch her face weird so baby steps.
I don’t really seem to like you, so let’s discuss maybe getting married someday.
Sharleen, the girl who has mundo, gets the one-on-one date, and I’m nervous I can’t make a single joke in this section because I think we all know that I’m a pretty big fan of Sharleen because no SHE’S the best.
The date cards asks if she’ll be his seoulmate and oh I see what you did there.
They make her stare out of a window like we’re watching Lost in Translation, because Asia.
Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, is not happy that she does not have the one-on-one date and looks like Golum.
They walk around a market together, and Sharleen says that it’s like they’re on vacation together and they’re just walking around a market, and that’s actually what they’re doing, so, spot on, Sharleen. Spot on.
Back at home, everyone hates Sharleen, presumably because she is intelligent.
They go to get tea, and Sharleen actually has to explain what the word bland means to Juan Pablo because he doesn’t know what it means and there are so many jokes in this moment that my mind explodes.
I begin to imagine what an average day is like for Juan Pablo. How essited he must get about things like toast, and airplanes, and for a small moment I wish I could be him, if only to be that amazed by everything like I was still four years old and thought I had a real shot at being an astronaut someday.
He asks her to sing for him, and she makes silly warm up noises and then sings opera and look, guys, I’m just not making fun of her because she’s talented.
He touches her face weird, because that’s what Juan Pablo does.
But then she touches HIS face and I’m getting nervous that they’re actually sort of into each other, because don’t look now because they have a lot of chemistry, oddly.
He eats her face and calls her especial, which is “special” in spanish.
Later that night they talk about kids and her lack of really being interested in having them, and this is oddly not a gigantic red flag for him even though he has a kid.
He tells her that he’s just gotten her since the day she walked down the limo, and that’s not what she walked down.
He does more face touching, she essepts the rose, and I’m worried I’m losing my imaginary television girlfriend to Juan Pablo and my fiancée is worried that I have dementia and pets my head like that of a small child who doesn’t get how reality works.
He says she might be his seoul-mate, and I wonder if Juan Pablo is just Keyser Soze’ing the fuck out of all of us and totally gets how english works.
Thank God we can get back in my water car, who wants a fish pedicure?
For the group date, the girls walk to meet up with Juan Pablo to get “krazy with a k” and they all talk about how nice it is to see the streets for the first time and holy shit, what is this, jail?
They go to do Karaoke in a creepy room that looks like a dollhouse and all dance together. I imagine going on a date with a girl I like and five other guys that I do not like and then dancing with them in a small asian dollhouse room and whatever was left of my mind explodes again.
They get inside of giant Swan paddle boats and Juan Pablo looks so essited to have his water car back and it makes me so essited for him.
Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, says that she is afraid she is fading into the background, and I wish someone would just say, “no, you’re fading into the back of a swan boat” because ba-ZING!
They get fish pedicures and Juan Pablo says that he was worried that all the girls were going to be freak-ed out but they are all pretty o-kay-ah with it.
Clare begins to get scary and possesive with Juan Pablo’s time, and the other girls say that Clare is just here to “get time with her man,” and I worry that the other girls don’t know how the show works.
I’m mostly just excited that the place they are at is called Dr. Fish Zone.
They try foods in the market and Clare refuses to eat octopus. She finally gets fed the octopus by the other girls like a small child and gags it up back in her mouth and I miss the girl who fed the camera like an airplane in the first episode.
Kelly, the girl whose profession is ‘dog lover’, talks about how ridiculous Clare is and says that she should relax because we all know, “she’s swallowed bigger things than that,” and don’t look now but that’s funny and Dog Lover is sorta hilarious and consistently fantastic these days. Like the drunk girl you want to hang out with at a party.
Later that night, the girls all vie for the rose and Juan Pablo says he can’t kiss anyone because he doesn’t want to upset his daughter. No one ever said anything about taking their noses though, so he takes Andi’s, the girl who’s a lawyer that is too intelligent for Juan Pablo, and you just try and get that back, Andi, you just try.
He continues to not kiss the girls for a while and only touches their faces a little more, but luckily for them, he leaves their nose. This makes Lauren, the girl who biked on a piano for love, the saddest.
Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, goes off to spend some one on one time with Juan Pablo and in the meantime Kelly, the girl whose profession is ‘dog lover’, mocks her and imitates her eating the octopus and don’t look now but every girl in America wants to be Kelly’s best friend.
Clare sits down with Juan Pablo and plays with the duck dolls that are on the table in front of her, like a small child in a sandbox.
She tells him that after she ate the octopus she threw up in her mouth and swallowed it back down, and I bet that’s not the first time she’s said that to a guy and sorry, low hanging fruit.
He feeds her chocolate and then touches her face and breaks the no kissing rule, and she asks him if she has chocolate breath.
No, Clare, you have “threw up in your mouth and swallowed it back down” breath, which is like "almost committing to an eating disorder and then giving up at the last second" breath.
It’s the fourth episode, are we at the part where we all hate each other yet because we realized the goal of the show?
The rest of the night is pretty boring, mainly because all we learn is that Nikki, the nurse who I’m getting way too into, really hates Clare and Clare really hates Nikki and wait I think everyone is starting to hate everyone because they are realizing that the goal of this show is to, in fact, not be here to make friends.
I’m pleased, as we finally got to the episode with the recap with the line in it that perfectly encapsulates why I named the blog this. Because everyone loves the part of the song where the lyrics are the actual song name.
We’re there, guys. We’re there.
Elise, because seriously, she’s the dumbest.
Lauren, because she drove a piano bike up to the show and that probably should have ended this sooner.
SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:
Renee, because I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian.
Alli, because she’s not interesting enough yet to even make jokes about, and that says something.
Nikki, because she’s playing the game well.
Sharleen, because she’s the best.
Clare, because if you wear a baby bump on a first date and then talk about your dead father for hours straight and someone still likes you, I just don’t know how you’re not in the running.
See you next week, everyone.