Where We Left Off
Last week, JoJo continued to lower the self-esteem of 3 men who probably already had some pretty big self esteem issues by eliminating them from the "try to get married on television and hopefully don't publicly humiliate themselves" show, bringing the men-she-could-marry-on-TV total down to 18, which I'm pretty sure is still too long of a list of "people I would probably marry, maybe" for anyone with standards of any kind.
Brandon, because his profession was hipster and he kinda just seemed like someone's friend who was sleeping on the couch. So, accurate profession, actually?
James S., because his profession was "watching a television show", namely the one he was on.
Will, because he is the most boring human being alive and he just had to stop.
JoJo had a one-on-one date with Derek, the guy who told her he can tell she has a good sense of self because he watched her on TV once and is possibly the most boring human being alive, and two group dates with just about everyone else on the show besides like, 2 of the guys, mostly consisting of "put out fires for me, I'm a helpless woman!" metaphors because we're living in an era where a woman could be elected president in the USA so why not set us back 2,000 years, and "I love sports! Men LOVE sports! Aren't I cool?" metaphors because see the last sentence. The Chad, the guy who is a luxury real estate salesmen who no one in the entire world likes because for starters his name is Chad, cemented his place in Bachelorette/Bachelor history as "that guy everyone hated that one season who probably almost won" status by basically talking down to JoJo and then somehow convincing her it was okay because his mom died and he inherited a small yorkie, and everything other than that doesn't seem to matter, because this year's theme is "How much will we talk about The Chad during this episode?"
Basically, The Chad is Donald Trump and we're all confused how he got here, we just know that a LOT of people like him/would vote for him/would date him inexplicably and holy shit, he's actually got a shot at winning so we're all probably just depressed about life because seriously, women date people like this pretty regularly.
I'll go one step further and say I know for a fact that The Chad is voting for Donald Trump, because if I can't make stuff up that's probably true here than what's the point, even?
This week God hates us and we had to watch 4 fucking hours of this shit.
In the first of two episodes we’ve been promised that JoJo is going to go to a concert with someone who will have to dance poorly with her in front of millions of people because that's what happens every season, someone is falling head over heels for JoJo WHILE doing yoga with her WHILE his heels are in the air because get it? And someone says "your eyes are the eyes I could be looking into for the rest of my life", which is something you could say to anyone that is a human being and it would probably be accurate.
Also, we're promised that The Chad is going to literally threaten everyone's lives multiple times and that he will find where they live and murder them because romance.
The episode opened with a shot of all of the bros hungover at their house lamenting how dirty the house was and how indicative it was that The Chad, the guy who is a luxury real estate salesmen who no one in the entire world likes because for starters his name is Chad, was still there because jerks are the reason you are hungover and your house is a mess. It's also a great reminder that this is the group of amazing people that a woman is carefully selecting a husband on national television from.
We then see a tight shot of one of The Chad's meat plates to hammer this home, because the guys think The Chad eats too much and i'm mostly just upset that no one makes a "meathead" joke because these seem like the kind of guys who would make that joke. It's also in no way disconcerting that men are talking about each other's eating habits sensitively on television.
Evan, the guy who was a pastor who became an erectile dysfunction specialist because this is real life, then breaks down very seriously that he believes there are two sides to Chad. That he believes The Chad is a real jerk and that a lot of good guys went home and The Chad didn't and that's not fair, because he liked those guys, and I don't think Evan knows that the point of the show is to eliminate every other guy on the show because you're trying to win the girl and who am I kidding, he's a guy who was a pastor who became an erectile dysfunction specialist who has two kids out of wedlock so Evan doesn't know how a lot of things work. Namely sex and what happens when you have it, and/or marriage.
Chase, the guy who makes two mustache jokes when he introduces himself to JoJo and probably loves wedding photo booths, talks about how The Chad and Daniel, the Rav4 of male models who may or may not be gay and not know it yet, love to work out too much and that they're always talking about "math" and stuff to figure out how much weight they are going to lift and how that's lame, and we realize that Chase basically just said on TV that math is hard and shhhhhh, Chase, those thoughts are your inside words.
I then realize that The Chad has a gold watch and of course The Chad has a gold watch, because he's an ex used car salesmen that now sells luxury real estate for a living and these are the people who get married on television successfully.
Chris, the host of the show, comes to the house to tell everyone what's in store for them next, and while rounding them up I realize that everyone has the exact same haircut.
Chase, the guy who makes two mustache jokes when he introduces himself to JoJo and probably loves wedding photo booths, gets the first one-on-one date, and here's hoping there are fake mustaches and no math involved, because otherwise it's probably going to be tough for him.
I wanna yib yab you for the rest of my life, but since i'm bad at math i can't really tell you how long that would be.
JoJo tells us that she's feeling more optimistic than ever for the 1,387th time this season to start the date, so we can all rest assured that she's totally not hyperbolic in any way. She wears a plaid shirt that says, "I'm just a laid back girl lookin' for love and not trying too hard," which is every hot chick's way of saying she's totally not high maintenance when she's extremely high maintenance and I in no way know this from experience and/or from falling for this trick.
We then find out that their date is going to be yoga and it's something she's never tried before and that she kinda wants to try, and I've never tried yoga before and it's something I totally wanna try and JoJo seems like a sort of laid back chick and it's in this exact moment that I realize that I fell for the plaid shirt and I am no better than anyone on this show, which is discouraging.
As soon as they walk into the Yoga studio, Chase says that, "it's like 110 degrees in here" and strike one, it's 100 degrees and there's that tricky math, always getting in the way of Chase's hopes and dreams.
The instructor tells them that this is the kind of yoga that's really intimate, and then JoJo says that something tells her that they're about to get really intimate, and don't look now, Jojo, but that something is a person and she just told you that.
The yoga instructor starts chanting and moving her head back and forth and then says that they should just throw a big tantrum and she just flails her body on the floor and this is why I'm convinced that every girl in America became a licensed yoga instructor within the last five years, because you can just make up whatever you want and then say namaste and you did it.
Chase then says, "Ohmmmmmmy god this isn't happening" and it's not a mustache joke but it's pretty close and is anyone confused why Chase had to go on TV to find a wife, because I'm not.
Back at the house, The Chad and Daniel work out super hard and Evan talks about how stupid they look while he exercises like an 84 year old woman in a swimming pool, longingly looking on.
Daniel then does a lot of homoerotic exercises in front of The Chad because he's totally straight and if this doesn't convince the world then what will.
Then Evan says that if The Chad and Daniel don't find love with JoJo then they might end up together and I already made that joke last week, Evan, fuck you.
Back on the date, JoJo says that she can confidently say that this is the first time she has mounted a guy on a date, and not a single human being alive will ever believe another word JoJo says, ever.
I realize that a screen capture I just put on a public website I own looks remarkably like a still image from a bad porno, and I worry about my life choices and wonder out loud if I should be concerned that I am a Google search away from being fired on a daily basis.
We then see a long montage of heavy breathing while JoJo and Chase eskimo kiss, and I feel like I'm watching Dirty Dancing alone in my mid-thirties in a one bedroom apartment and I wonder if everything is okay.
They begin making out, mid-yoga, and the yoga instructors have disappeared with no explanation and all I can think about is that if this were MY private yoga class that I had paid for and the instructors just totally disappeared I'd be super upset and I'd ask for some of my money back because yoga is expensive and don't look now but Chase is better at girls than I am because of this entire paragraph.
Chase says he feels like this yoga has "laid a pretty solid foundation for JoJo and I" and while I know he didn't mean to he kinda just made another mustache-like joke again on accident, but this time it was about sex and this is the only time I'm okay with it because it's a pretty good one.
They go to some winery and talk about the yoga they did that was called "yib-yabbing". About how when they were yib-yabbing each other, they felt really connected, and no one can take this seriously.
Chase talks about how his parents got divorced when he was 8, and I begin to make up jokes about him and then realize that I'm a 34 year old male that still sees a therapist because my parents got divorced when I was 14 and i'm starting to feel really worried that I am in no way above this show like I want to believe I am.
They ask each other rational questions about love, like whether or not this show is too fast and it forces love on people, and I get bored because it's too real and no one is bad at math or making yoga jokes anymore and if anything i'm just watching a subpar romantic comedy starring Katherine Heigl.
She gives him the rose and then a bad band that no one has ever heard of plays while they make out.
I wonder if maybe, just maybe, I'm falling for Chase and his dad-jokes, but then he does this and nope, I'm not.
Back at home the guys find out who's on the group date, and The Chad is but says he'd rather just not even go because he'd rather have a one-on-one date and everyone looks flabbergasted at this extremely rational line of thinking for someone who is trying to win a marriage tournament.
Jordan insinuates that The Chad is dumb and The Chad responds by saying, "Really, Jordan? You're a 27 year old failed football player."
It's in this moment that we all begin to worry the most about Jordan, the guy who is not a professional football player but is the sibling of one so does that count, because he constantly makes this face when reacting to anything. A face that says "The lights are not on and no one is home, but I style my hair well so wanna get married?"
Probably not, Jordan. Probably not.
Alex, the guy whose brother got married so now he wants to get married so it sounds like he's making decisions for himself, then stares The Chad down and tells him he's a piece of shit and then says bro upwards of 24 times in a row, which is something a bro would do.
The Chad stares at him like he is going to murder him.
Alex responds by saying, "wh-wh-wha-wha-whaaaat" almost like a rapper from the 90's would, they say, "you wanna go?" like they're going to fight and then don't. It's sort of like watching two drunk guys in striped shirts at a bar after a long night of drinking things called "sex on the beach", but on TV.
These are real people who will probably get married someday, if not in a few weeks, so I don't know about you but I'm feeling pretty good about men, just in general.
Let's talk about sex and how I want to kill everyone.
For the group date, the guys are all driven to a theater to watch a show of some kind.
A woman walks on stage and pretends to have an orgasm from all of the applause.
Daniel, the Rav4 of male models who may or may not be gay and not know it yet, looks incredibly uncomfortable, and I'm willing to bet it's because he has never seen a woman orgasm and this is the 4,298th time on this show alone that he's wondered if it's time to just come to terms with the fact that maybe, just maybe, he's not that into women.
To be fair, Vinny, the guy who says that the one thing that he won't do for love is turkey meat, says he's never heard a woman do anything like that, and we know you haven't Vinny. We know you haven't.
Meanwhile, Jordan, the guy who is not a professional football player but is the sibling of one so does that count, is still making this face, and someone please just turn a light on in that guy's head.
We learn that they are at a show called Sex Talks, where women divulge their deepest darkest sexual secrets for your enjoyment, and I've never seen a group of men so unexcited about sex in my entire life.
Not even The Chad and his gold watch have time for this.
We then learn that the men are all going to have to be a part of the show, and it's almost like we just saw 12 men learn they had to have sex with the lights on while talking about their feelings and it's sort of amazing.
JoJo says she's a really physical person and that it's really important to her that she can talk about sex with a guy, and remember, JoJo has never mounted a guy on a first date.
The only guy who's excited is Evan, the guy who was a pastor who became an erectile dysfunction specialist because this is real life, and why shouldn't he be: if you're a guy who was a professional at "not having sex because God" who then changed your job to "guy who talks about how to get it up so you can have sex" for a living that now wants to be a guy who won a round robin marriage tournament on national television, this is truly your moment.
As the guys prepare their stories backstage, Daniel, the Rav4 of male models who may or may not be gay and not know it yet, gets really excited that he thought of a story and JoJo asks him if it's actually true and seriously, it seems like even JoJo is with us on this one.
The producers then ask Daniel what his favorite bodily fluid is.
He says "poo", and I don't even want to write jokes for that, just choose your own adventure and that one is all yours.
I then wonder to myself, "wait, who even asks that question?" and then I remember I'm watching a show called The Bachelorette and move on.
The Chad/Christian Grey says that he doesn't talk about his sex with anyone and she doesn't even have the right to know, that she hasn't earned that right yet, and we all swoon collectively and know for sure that The Chad is probably in no way a guy who makes verbal threats towards women.
The guys get on stage and begin to tell their deepest darkest sexual stories. Some highlights:
- Grant, the guy who's promised he's not going to break JoJo's heart by falling in love with two girls on the show even though there is only one girl, remembers a time when he was 16 and asked a girl to zip two sleeping bags together in a park so they could have sex. I'm not going to go any further because Grant essentially asked a girl to be homeless as a pick up line and it worked.
- Nick B., the guy who introduced himself in a santa costume and didn't get eliminated so who even fucking knows what to say, says that he didn't know how to have sex as a 16 year old so he just made the alphabet with his tongue while going down on a girl.
- Jordan, the guy who is not a professional football player but is the sibling of one so does that count, casually talks about the importance of fluffing before sex because "it's not always that big" and now we're all pretty sure Jordan has a small penis.
- And the winner: Daniel, the Rav4 of male models who may or may not be gay and not know it yet, talks about how he had a girl tied up and decided that, (casually mentioned) "since I always have a knife on me", he would cut some of her hair off. None of us ever want Daniel to leave the show, ever.
From this point on, we are at the point of the episode that we were promised: guys are going to bait The Chad into trying to threaten their lives in front of JoJo. First up, Evan, the guy who was a pastor who became an erectile dysfunction specialist because this is real life.
Before we even get started, I notice that Evan has rips in his jeans at the knees like I do because my favorite jeans are busted and I won't give them up, but sadly, I now know that on a daily basis I look like Evan and consider throwing my pants away tonight.
Evan begins his story by mentioning that he's in the business of erectile dysfunction, and that tonight he'd like to tell a cautionary tale about the dangers of using steroids, and like a leaky balloon, we can hear The Chad's anger begin to fill the room.
Alex, the guy whose brother got married so now he wants to get married so it sounds like he's making decisions for himself, is really excited that someone is going to get in a fight with The Chad and that it's not him because he's the guy who says "come at me bro" at the bars none of us go to and then never comes at you or anyone, bro, because he is 3'7".
After Evan is done with his story about how The Chad probably uses steroids and can't get it up, he goes to sit down and hug JoJo and The Chad casually pulls him back and rips his shirt because The Chad is just a cool cucumber and it was probably a great idea to jump into a gorilla cave at the zoo and too soon? Too soon.
The Chad then goes to the stage to tell his story and asks JoJo to come on stage with him. He says he doesn't want to talk about the past, he wants today to be about the future, and then goes in for a kiss and JoJo does the "move the face to the right" thing that no man ever wants to happen to him, ever, ESPECIALLY NOT THE CHAD, and we are all scared for a minute that he might punch JoJo in the face and that's actually not even funny, it's just a realistic possibility because The Chad would probably do that.
Alex stands up to his full 3'7" stature and yells "Crash and burn brother", and even though it is completely audible, the show feels the need to also write that on the screen because words are hard and we need to see them AND hear them.
The Chad punches a door after they are done, and if I'm a national television show about women I definitely keep this guy on and in no way feel bad about my morals because men with anger issues are totally hot and who cares about the 10 billion conversations going on in America right now about men and their lack of understanding when it comes to consent and assault and sorry, I got too serious.
In a sort of funny moment because douchebags are funny, The Chad touches Evan's face like this and tells him that he's going to die. Because when I want to kill someone, I touch their face gently.
They then show a picture of The Chad's bloody knuckles and everyone asks him what happened and he says "the door ran into my hand", followed up with "if I can't lift weights I'm gonna murder someone" and this is a person trying to win someone's hand in marriage on national television and this is the angle they're going with, and I worry about how The Chad takes it when someone does not buy a luxurious condominium from him.
In a sort of funny moment because douchebags are funny again, The Chad threatens Evan with a violent point and Evan flies backwards afraid, and everyone who has an older brother has experienced this and done exactly what Evan did: the "ow that hurt" before you got hit move so that he'd get in trouble with mom. But now mom is America/Television Producers/The Girl He's Trying To Marry On Television, and it's not looking good for The Chad and oh who are we kidding, she'll probably like him more now for some ridiculous reason because because.
The rest of the date is just dudes talking to JoJo about being attracted to her, how they're ready to open up, etc.
Alex, the guy whose 3'7" whose brother got married so now he wants to get married so it sounds like he's making decisions for himself, let's JoJo know that he's "ride or die", and that's not something white guys get to say ever, and this is the face they should get in return when they do.
JoJo says that the person she picks has to be someone she can see herself spending the rest of her life with, and that's how marriage works and I'm concerned that JoJo is in over her head with this whole "getting married" thing.
A lot of the rest of the date is just guys talking about The Chad and how they want him off the show, and it's boring because it's like listening to 12 year olds talk about a school dance.
Back at the house, the guys find out that James Taylor, the guy who is not actually James Taylor but also plays music because his name is James Taylor so he had to for a living, gets the next one-on-one date and Robby, the former competitive swimmer who hasn't mentioned another career so he's probably just unemployed, just looks at him with starry eyes and says, "wow!" and sounds like Hansel talking to Derek Zoolander and honestly, no one has any idea why Robby is here, but he sure is a nice guy.
On the date again, The Chad says that Grant, the guy who's promised he's not going to break JoJo's heart by falling in love with two girls on the show even though there is only one girl, looks like a character from Sponge Bob Squarepants and the weird thing about that statement is that it's probably accurate and it probably means The Chad watches Sponge Bob so much that he can compare real life humans to characters from a cartoon show so just let that sink in.
Evan nterrupts The Chad's time with JoJo and The Chad gets so angry that he walks away and sings the song "Feelings", pretends to be Evan talking about his children, and then finally stops and fixes his hair looking at a set of drawers that are not, in fact, a mirror.
If you've ever seen The Royal Tenenbaums, we are essentially witnessing this scene.
Evan then sits down with JoJo and tells her that he's really struggling emotionally being here, and that if The Chad doesn't go he won't stay on the show, and honestly as much as we all hate The Chad it's sad and pathetic to watch someone be more sad and pathetic than him and c'mon, Evan, you make people believe in their penises for a living. Pretend you're a penis and just believe in yourself for a minute.
After a commercial break, we come back to this opening shot, and I just imagine a drunk intern edited it in and no one knew how to get it out of the final cut so they just said, "welp, deer head it is."
JoJo picks up the final rose but before she gives it out she asks to speak to Evan privately. She begins by saying, "i'm going to start out by saying that you're an incredible.." and we all tune out and just look at the face a guy makes when he realizes that a girl probably just picked a luxury real estate agent that punches doors over him.
Then, in an amazing twist, JoJo says she wants to give Evan the rose but she won't kick off The Chad. He cries and says he'll accept it and that it's no big deal, and somehow we all hate Evan more than The Chad because feelings are so confusing sometimes for us viewers.
He says that he's so excited that his kids will see that he got a rose and that love is worth fighting for and getting shoved in the face for and there is no chemistry between him and JoJo whatsoever and Evan is just a big whiney pants and go home and cure more penises, we're done with you.
In an extremely conflicting moment, we are all The Chad's face.
The Chad then says to JoJo in front of everyone that she can't be serious and JoJo gets mad and says that she doesn't like this side of him, which is confusing because this is every side of him.
He storms off, everyone is giddy and thinks that The Chad is going home, and before we break for commercial, the randomly show us an upcoming scene where Daniel, the Rav4 of male models who may or may not be gay and not know it yet, says to The Chad "let's just pretend you're Hitler, to which The Chad says "maybe let's not just pretend I'm Hitler" and this is a real television show with real people.
I point at things i like because i'm simple and that is either an endearing quality or a giant red flag.
James Taylor, the guy who is not actually James Taylor but also plays music because his name is James Taylor so he had to for a living, and JoJo re about to go on a one-on-one date and it looks like they're dressed up in old timey stuff and no one really cares about this date, we're just trying to persevere so we can see who gets eliminated.
They're going swing dancing it appears, and when they walk into the hotel they are dancing at, James sees old people dancing and points at them and makes this face, and suddenly we all imagine all the things that must surprise and delight James to the point that he must point at it, like a water fountain or an ATM machine. Or anything that is a thing.
James is a horrible dancer, which is confusing because his entire profession is based on him having good rhythm, making it almost literally impossible for this to be the case. But all James Taylor's aren't created the same, and I'm almost angry that his mother forcefully named him after one of the greatest folk singers of all time because how the fuck was he supposed to live up to that and ARE YOU HAPPY, MOTHER OF JAMES TAYLOR? NOW HE'S EMBARRASSING HIMSELF ON TELEVISION. THAT'S ON YOU FOR NAMING HIM THIS.
James sees something else that he likes so he points at it, and it's like watching my 16 month old child at a petting zoo but it's not my 16 month old child at a petting zoo. It's a grown man. In the world. On a date. Pointing at things that he likes to tell the girl he hopes to marry "HEY I LIKE THAT."
Back at the house, we get our scene where Daniel tells The Chad that he's getting dragged into the negativity the guys feel towards The Chad, and he says "let's just pretend you're Hitler" and I'm sorry I have to retype this again, you don't even need to know more than that, a guy said "hey, let's just pretend you're Hitler" casually to another guy on a round robin marriage tournament that is nationally televised and both of them, at this point, STILL HAVE A CHANCE AT MARRYING THIS WOMAN.
Then Daniel says "well let's just pretend you're Donald Trump" and I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THAT ANALOGY DANIEL and wait, am I gay for Daniel? Because WOW are we seeing eye to eye in this moment.
As they talk, The Chad casually eats a head of lettuce (like, just eats a head of lettuce) because this show isn't even real anymore.
The rest of the one-on-one date is boring. James Taylor and JoJo talk about how JoJo is TOTALLY over Ben (she's not), they talk about nothingness, and she gives him the rose. He gets out his guitar and plays a song that we'd all totally be into freshman year of college if Ben Harper or Dispatch wrote it, and I just want this to stop.
She says that he has touched her heart in more ways than one, and that sounds dirty.
I'm going to murder everyone, but i'm definitely not on steroids and please stop calling me hitler.
We find out there will be no cocktail party tonight and we're going straight to the rose ceremony. Just kidding, we're gonna have a pool party instead!
Everyone is happy except for (wait for it) The Chad, because he doesn't want them to see her in a bikini because Chad is not a territorial guy and is no the jealous type and sometimes he wears necklaces like these to remind us that he's also someone who wears necklaces like these: a frat guy in Cabo on spring break.
Before we head to the pool party, we see that Evan has snuck out to speak to the host of the show, Chris, about how The Chad is scary and he wants him to leave the house.
Chris then asks The Chad if he's on steroids doesn't give him the boot, and tells him to go say sorry to everyone.
The Chad walks back into the house and we hear him over an interview say that he's going to tear everyone limb by limb and there's going to be heads and arms and torsos all over the house and the pool, and that's a totally normal, okay thing to say.
More than anything, I'm just angry that I watched two hours of this bullshit and didn't get a single elimination and got this screen instead.
Fuck you, ABC. Some of us have 16 month old children that want to go to petting zoos to point at things without James Taylor and we didn't want to watch another 2 hours of this crap for an elimination.
I'll recap Part II/Episode 4 tonight or tomorrow. My eyeballs hurt.
Until next time, everyone.
Nobody, because ABC is the worst.