Where We Left Off
Last week, Juan Pablo continued to lower the self-esteem of 3 women who probably already had some self-esteem issues by eliminating them from the "try out to get married on television and hopefully don't publicly humiliate yourself" show, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 15.
Victoria, the girl who confused the heimlich maneuver with the membrane that surrounds or partially covers the external vaginal opening.
Amy L, the girl who Veronica Corningstoned our Mundo.
And Black Girl #1, the girl who Juan Pablo picked a white girl in accidental black face whose job is “dog lover” over because this show is unreal.
Juan Pablo had one-on-one dates with Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, and Kat, the one I can’t make fun of who actually seems pretty normal. He also had a group date with a bunch of other girls who dressed in black face or nothing and took pictures with dogs, because romance. Clare solidified her spot as the in-house crazy after Victoria, the girl who confused the heimlich maneuver with the membrane that surrounds or partially covers the external vaginal opening, blacked out and locked herself in a public bathroom, and then, just to hammer this home one more time, confused the heimlich maneuver with the membrane that surrounds or partially covers the external vaginal opening and got eliminated.
In breaking-the-fourth-wall news, we learned through the tabloids that Juan Pablo isn’t a big fan of gay people, and that’s too bad because gay people are people and maybe he should just stick to speaking poor english and offering roses for people to essept instead of discussing hot topics like civil rights. To be fair, is anyone really surprised that the guy on the antiquated television show where the man offers the lady a rose to signify is unrequited love for her after knowing her for 14 mintues isn’t that forward thinking?
This week we’ve been promised that the girls are going to play soccer with Juan Pablo because Juan Pablo is a soccer player and like a small child they will show him that they enjoy doing what he does, and other than that it’s alluded to that most of the girls will be offended that the other girls on the show came here to make out with Juan Pablo ALSO and he’s not all theirs and life is no fair.
The episode opened with a shot of the dog of Kelly, the girl whose profession is ‘dog lover’, just hanging out with the girls, and I’m beginning to wonder if whoever they got to edit the show this year was a little cheaper than the guy who wouldn’t have opened every episode with a shot of a girl with her dog on the “sexy babes” tv show.
Kelly proclaims that she’s excited because a lot of love has come out of this show, and considering about two marriages have worked out and we’re on season 18 of the show, I’m not sure she’s good at math. More importantly, though, that lazy eye is still there.
Lucy, the girl who’s a free spirit, says that if she gets the one-on-one date she hopes it’s cuddling, and everyone hates her with all of their everything almost immediately.
Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, needs to look into eye creams because I’m a terrible person and that’s a pretty gay-ish thing of me to notice and I’m pretty sure that means Juan Pablo hates me.
Juan Pablo casually spends a day in the park with his child and his parents and discusses that because they are there with him, he can “do his dates and have family time after” and it’s just a poor way to put it even though I get what he means.
Cassandra, the girl whose profession is ‘not my old job’, gets the first one-on-one date and all I can hope is that it doesn’t consist of dancing in the NBA, because she sure doesn’t do that anymore.
Chris is wearing a horrible shirt, because color blocking is so hot right now.
I haven’t had a first date since I was 18, and if you do the math I had a baby that time so it sounds like I’m pretty good to go on the first night.
Cassandra spends a good deal of her one-on-one telling us that she hasn’t been on a first date since she was 18 and that it’s been ages since she’s been on a first date and can you believe how long it’s been since she’s been on a first date and holy fucking shit, Cassandra, you’re 21 years old and you already have this little to talk about and that horrifies me.
Cassandra and Juan go for a drive in a car around Long Beach and talk about what you’d expect a person who doesn’t speak English very well and an ex-NBA dancer would: not much.
Then the car turns into a boat and they drive into the water and Cassandra’s mind is blown, like when you tell a kid that you’ve got their nose or when an african american person watches a magic trick.
She says that she feels like she really saw him in his element today, because his element is a car that turns into a boat because what aventura-seeking gentleman’s isn’t.
Back at home, Elise, the girl who loved Juan Pablo at first sight who Juan Pablo doesn’t recognize, talks about how her mother recently died but before she did wrote a letter to help get Elise onto the show and watch out, Clare, you’re not the only one playing with dead-parent-house-money now, are you.
She hugs it out with Renee, the single mom who I’m pretty sure is a lesbian, because all she does is console other girls on the show like the nice guy who is always there to comfort you just hoping that one time you’ll make a poor judgement call and sleep with him in a moment of weakness.
Juan Pablo tells other boats that he’s in a water car, and I’m pretty sure they’ve figured that out because it’s a car inside of the water.
They get on a yacht and then jump off of it like someone does at least once a season on The Bachelor, and as though this is Groundhog Day, Cassandra tells us that she’s just going to trust him and jump in with him before they jump in the water because it’s a metaphor about love.
They go back to Juan Pablo’s place to have dinner, where he shows her a rainbow that his daughter drew for him.
I wonder to myself if Juan Pablo is fucking terrified that his daughter is a lesbian because she drew a rainbow, and if it keeps him up at night as he struggles with essepting it.
He says she needs to loosen up, so he does the only logical thing a Venezuelan man could do and makes her salsa dance because we really need to hammer home that he is of hispanic descent.
He feeds her food and she looks like a hungry hungry dinosaur, and then we see that her shoes are a bit like prison shackles.
They talk awkwardly over a candlelit dinner, and Juan Pablo says that it’s hard for him to make decisions like this, like giving out roses to women. Good thing he came on the decisions/giving out roses to women show.
He gives her the rose, and we’re guaranteed to hear about how it’s been three years since she’s been on a second date whenever that happens in the very near future.
Juan Pablo tells us his feelings for Cassandra by saying, “I look at her and I like daaaaamn Cassandra is beautiful,” and that’s about all you need to know about the level of intellect that is sure to be firing off between these two from here on out.
I play soccer so we should play soccer because I like soccer.
For the group date, the girls are all driven to a soccer stadium to meet up with Juan Pablo and play soccer with him, because Juan Pablo plays soccer so we all sort of saw this one coming.
Renee, the single mom who I’m pretty sure is a lesbian, tells us that the limo literally drove out on to the field, and I’m just so happy that someone used the word literally correctly.
The girls talk about how balls hurt when they hit you in the face, and all anyone wants in the world is for Amber to walk on the field right then and there to tell Ms. Stoeger that her plastic surgeon can’t participate in any activity where balls fly at her nose.
Back at home, Elise, the girl who loved Juan Pablo at first sight who Juan Pablo doesn’t recognize, talks about how juvenile Chelsie, the girl who peeks through sunflowers, is and how she isn’t adult enough yet to take care of someone’s children. To be clear, Elise spoke of how she’s so lucky to be a princess at a castle no less than 10 minutes ago, because that’s how adult women put on their big girl pants and talk about romance.
The soccer game is basically like watching televised powder puff sports, which is to say not that interesting. For the most part, we just learn that Kelly, the girl whose profession is ‘dog lover’, is bad at sports..
..and watch Sharleen get hit in the face with balls a lot, and at this point I have honestly checked to see if Clueless is available on Netflix (it is).
When the game is over, Juan Pablo pops a bottle of champagne and sprays it at the girls and oh I see what you did there, editor, maybe you’ve got more in the tank than I thought you dog-crazy kook.
After the game, they all hang out at the soccer stadium and take turns talking to Juan Pablo.
Andi, the girl who’s a lawyer that is too intelligent for Juan Pablo, eats chicken wings with him and calls it their “relationship” which is a baby red flag, but a red flag nonetheless.
Nikki, the girl who is a nurse who might use nurse contraptions sexually, gets another tap on the head.
Danielle, the girl that is the last of the african americans (much like the mohicans), casually drops that she was adopted and hey, good for you, Danielle. That’s exactly how you stay in this game, you must have watched this show before.
And Sharleen, the girl who has mundo, makes out with Juan Pablo a lot and he pushes her cheek as though to say, “Boop!”
In the end, Nikki gets the rose and we see a side of Sharleen come out that’s downright appealing:
She says that it surprises and bothers her that she cares as much as she does, and she’s pissed off and goes into "fuck you all I'm gonna win" mode and may or may not be tipping her cap that she’s too smart to be here and just wants to destroy everyone.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m rooting for Sharleen. A scary amount. Because she is my new Des.
Let’s jump off of things to reiterate the taking a leap of faith metaphor about love.
Chelsie, the girl who peeks through sunflowers, gets the one-on-one date and Elise, the girl who loved Juan Pablo at first sight who Juan Pablo doesn’t recognize, does not, and most of the one-on-one date is just us hearing about how angry Elise the pretty pretty princess is. She is the fucking worst and if I were a first grade student in her class I’d totally put the crayons in the wrong box.
Beyond that, I’m not going to deal with this date too much, as it’s not that interesting. They are going to go tandem bungee jumping together, because “jumping off of things / love” metaphor, etc etc.
As they drive out to the bridge, Juan tries to lighten things up by playing horrible Venezuelan music and sings along with it horribly while they both do pretty horrible car dances.
They stand on top of the bridge for what feels like 4,128 hours and we are all bored to death and oh just fucking jump already.
As he did with the nude photo shoot, Juan Pablo casually consoles her until she jumps off of the bridge with him, because suave harassment works.
They share a first kiss hanging upside-down like spider man, because what girl doesn’t dream of fulfilling her 9 year old male fantasies.
Chelsie tells Juan Pablo that she’s proud of him for talking her off of that ledge, that the epitome of a relationship is jumping off a bridge with someone else, and that’s an oddly suicidal and sad sentiment when you really think about it.
For the rest of their date, they spend time together eating food and dancing alone at a concert meant for thousands of people while Juan Pablo makes this face, which isn’t awkward at all.
He gives her the rose, she esspets it, he calls her wifey material, and don’t look now but the girl who peeks through sunflowers who is not a teacher but rather a science educator is a real dark horse.
Let’s take turns crying and swimming.
Instead of the usual cocktail hour, Juan Pablo decides to surprise the girls and come over to cook them breakfast and have a pool party.
The main takeaways are that Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, looks really good in her “payamas” and that Lucy, the girl who is a free spirit, is excited because she can show him who she really is because it’s a pool party and that’s the saddest “who you really are” ever.
Out by the pool, one girl makes sure to put suntan lotion on her nipples, because that’s where the sun hits the worst when you’re wearing a bathing suit.
Most of the pool party consists of girls crying and people starting to hate each other. So, basically the show is finally living up to its potential.
Kelly, the girl whose profession is ‘dog lover’, says that Kat, the one I can’t make fun of who actually seems pretty normal, is a bit of an attention whore, and that we should watch out because there are definitely some girls here that like attention, and that’s a pretty bold statement on the “girls-who-like-attention” television show.
Sharleen breaks the ice and cries first.
And then Clare cries.
And then, go figure, Renee, the single mom who I’m pretty sure is a lesbian, consoles her and if she didn’t try to make a move on her in that bathroom I’d be blown away.
We head to the eliminations, and it’s made clear that from here on out, everyone is going to be needy and they’re going to cry a lot and everyone is going to be terribly shocked that things don’t work out well when you live with your boyfriend’s 12-15 other girlfriends.
Christy, because we saw her cry when she was eliminated and that was the first time I realized she was still on the show.
Lucy the Free Spirit, because Coachella is in like two months and she’s probably gotta get on that.
SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:
Renee, because I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian.
Kelly, because she brought her dog on a dating television show.
Chelsie, because she's not a teacher, but not yet more than a science educator.
Sharleen, because she’s the best.
Clare, because if you wear a baby bump on a first date and then talk about your dead father for hours straight and someone still likes you, I just don’t know how you’re not in the running.
See you next week, everyone.