Where We Left Off
Last week, a guy who barely speaks english who lost the most recent "get married on television" tournament was introduced as this season's Bachelor. He was picked to be The Bachelor because he says words funny and his name is Juan so for at least three episodes we can say it’s “Juan”uary and that’s honestly pretty much the only reason he’s considered an eligible bachelor, guys.
He met 18 white people, 7 “we picked her because she’s ambiguously Latina-ish” latina-ish women and 2 carefully selected not-white-or-latinaish-people. He eliminated nine people at the end of the episode by not giving them a rose, signifying they were not the prettiest of the princesses.
Alexis, the girl whose game plan was to say words in Spanish and honestly that was her game plan, that was it.
Amy J, the girl who had orgasms by simply doing her profession, which seems problematic.
Ashley, the first grade teacher who probably shouldn’t be allowed to be around young children.
Christine, the girl who specializes in making up job titles with the word “police” in them.
Kylie, the girl who didn’t know what her own name sounds like when someone else says it.
Lacy, the girl who started a nursing home at the age of 20 which is arguably a red flag the size of Toronto.
Lauren H, the girl who was engaged to someone not named Juan Pablo about 14 minutes before the first episode started, which is healthy.
Maggie, the girl who flew on an airplane for the first time in her life to get dumped on national television.
And Valerie, the girl who is probably filming Mockingjay as we speak.
Episode two is usually when:
1) Someone believes they’re in a fairy tale because they are a princess.
2) Someone hates competing for men that came on the "competing for men" show.
3) Someone reveals themselves as "the bat shit crazy girl".
Lucky for us, those boxes were checked. A lot. Mostly by Clare, who checks boxes.
Our first one-on-one dates of the season are with Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, and Kat, the one I can’t make fun of who actually seems pretty normal.
The episode opened with a shot of the dog of Kelly, the girl whose profession is ‘dog lover’, going for a swim.
Honestly, that’s about all that happened in the opening of the show. If I’m the editor, I sure feel like I’ve roped people into a pretty incredible season.
Clare, the girl who may or may not be using her dead father as a means to secure a husband, gets the first one-on-one date and tells us that this whole thing is pretty unique for her, as she doesn't go to bars or online dating, and that doesn't make any sense because you can't go to online dating.
She is dressed like Jordan Catalano.
I have a really good feeling that Clare and the lack of an “i” in her name are going to go to love too quickly with Juan Pablo this season, and I can only hope that she brings her father’s DVD with her.
I have daddy issues and I’m literally an iceberg.
As Clare is blindfolded by Juan Pablo so she won’t know where they’re going, Elise, the girl who loved Juan Pablo at first sight who Juan Pablo doesn’t recognize, says she cannot believe her eyes that he put a blindfold on Clare and wait a minute is that a play on words? She must be a 1st grade teacher who understands how eyes work.
As Juan Pablo drives Clare around with a blindfold on, he tells us that he loves, “doing surprises, so being a bache-eh-LAHHHR is great!” and holy fucking shit, you guys, is he honestly going to talk like this all year?
Juan pablo says that when he first saw her get out of the limo, he remembers Clare being funny, clever and easy going. Which is incredible, because she was wearing a fake baby bump and asking him to impregnate her, which I’m fairly certain is the opposite of easy going, but, potato/potahto, you crazy Venezuelan.
They arrive at a park in Los Angeles covered in fake snow, and Clare is more excited than the small child in her fake baby bump ever could have been that she can see her breathe.
Clare says that she’s living in the perfect fairy tale. To be clear, the perfect fairy tale to Clare is living with 19 other women and being magically whisked away to a man-made snow park in Los Angeles. Sounds like that fairy tale bar is a little low, one i.
Juan Pablo says that looking at her smiling is better than a million bucks, and I worry about how Juan Pablo values money.
Back at home, Lucy, the girl who’s a free spirit, forgot to bring her swimsuit and her breasts become free spirits in the hot tub and she’s essentially just a character from the show Girls that Girls don’t even like at this point.
Clare doesn’t just tell us, but rather shows us that Juan Pablo is checking all of the boxes for her, and it’s a good thing because otherwise I’m not sure we would have understood.
At this point, they logically get in a hot tub in a public park and she tells Juan Pablo about her dead father while giving him a massage, because sexy back massages in public hot tubs are served best with daddy issues.
She says it’s ironic that they’re here at the fake snow park in Los Angeles because she turned into an ice queen ever since her father died , and I don’t think Clare knows how to use the word ironic correctly, because that is not, in fact, ironic.
He says the date was increíble, which is spanish for incredible because Juan Pablo speaks spanish, and then gives her a rose.
He kisses her and she tells him that he tastes like snow, which is to say that he tastes like water, and I’m confused.
Clare says that she can only hope that this night is literally the tip of the iceberg, which means that she believes that this date is literally an iceberg.
I’m concerned about her words.
Do you like electronic dance music and/or Tron? Then boy, do I have the date for you.
Our second one-on-one date is with Kat, the one I can’t make fun of who actually seems pretty normal.
Before we start the date, Kelly the dog lover’s dog is lost and can’t find his parent, and she is fucking terrible at her job.
Cut to a minute later and he’s still looking for her and you had one job, Kelly. You had one job, and that was to love. You’re fired from dog loving.
Juan Pablo picks up Kat and tells her that he, “has great surprise” and that he, “loves giving great surprise” and just keep talking and making silly faces, Juan Pablo, it will never, ever get old.
He takes her on a private jet and they flirt normally and to be honest, I sort of like them together.
Juan Pablo pets Kat’s head, because why not.
He then leaves to change and comes back as Tron Pablo wearing a neon flashing jumpsuit and holy shit, is this about to be the broiest date ever or what.
The plane lands and they are at a rave that is an electronic dance music club that is a 5k and is this real life?
The rest of the date isn’t that interesting because it’s basically like watching Coachella without the perk of being on drugs while doing so. They run, they’re really happy together, and even if it’s bro-y they like each other and there’s nothing wrong with that because it seems genuine.
They go on stage to dance at the end of the date, and Juan grabs the mic to ask Kat if she’ll essept a rose from him, and she does.
She says there’s electricity between them and oh I see what you did there, Kat.
Paint me in blackface like one of your bachelorettes and then lock me in a bathroom stall.
For the group date, the girls were told they were going to ‘say cheese’ and Kelly, the girl whose profession is ‘dog lover’, deduces that they’ll either be taking pictures or eating cheese because she is intelligent and that would be amazing enough but holy shit look at that lazy eye.
Lucy, the girl who’s a free spirit, tells us that she doesn’t know how she’s going to get Juan Pablo’s attention because she can’t flash him and then flashes us and we get it, trust fund Jessa, we get it.
Juan Pablo greets the girls and walks them down the street like the Jets to a studio where they’re going to do a photo shoot with dogs and we can all only imagine how Kelly, the girl whose profession is ‘dog lover’, is feeling because what are the odds when your job is dog lover.
Chelsie, the girl who peeks through sunflowers, tells us she’s super excited because it’s like playing dress up, and a photo shoot is actually playing dress up and I don’t think she gets it.
The outfits they get to wear are outstanding, none more exciting than that of Kelly, the girl whose profession is ‘dog lover’, because they dress her in borderline blackface.
Beyond that, to show that this is a classy show, the producers demand that a 1st grade teacher poses naked, because morals and let’s show the world that we respect women.
Intelligently, Elise, the girl who loved Juan Pablo at first sight who Juan Pablo doesn’t recognize, gets Lucy, the girl who’s a free spirit to pose naked instead, because why not.
Andi, the girl who’s a lawyer that is too intelligent for Juan Pablo, also has to pose naked and is really upset about it but Juan Pablo says that HE’LL pose naked TOO and this is considered a classy move whereas in real life, this would be called sexual harassment and she’s a lawyer and I feel like she should know that.
Juan Pablo, Andi and Lucy the free spirit pose naked and that is the best black bar placement in the history of non-cable television.
Kelly, the girl whose profession is ‘dog lover’, explains to everyone how wonderful it is that they’re doing this for dogs while wearing her blackface and you know what, you can have your job back, Kelly. You’re doing it.
Hymen, Heimlich, same difference.
For the night portion of the date, we get everything one hopes for when watching this show, which is (in no particular order): someone getting too drunk, embarrassing themselves, crying and not knowing the definition of words.
We learn that Cassandra, the girl whose profession is ‘not my old job’, is nervous to tell Juan Pablo that she has a two year old son named Trey and I think we all racistly believe she had him with a former NBA player because she’s a former NBA dancer and his name is Trey and I bet the kid is black and just me? Just me. He’s fine with it because, wait for it: Juan Pablo is actually a pretty good dude who’s actually a really good father and see, I can be nice sometimes.
From this point on, not much matters besides the fact that Victoria, the girl who is going to teach Juan Pablo portuguese, has too much to drink is the greatest shit show we’ve seen in a while. She tells us that if she wins, she’s, “gonna strattle him errvyrry day, cuz that’s what life is about, strattling things.” And then she looks slutty in various ways.
She tells us that she’s not a dog, she’s just a bitch, and you hey you know what? That’s sort of clever.
She ALSO tells us she performed the hymen maneuver on Juan Pablo and oh god that’s just not the word she’s looking for.
She then asks whose leg she has to hump to get some one-on-one time but I also think she said Juan-on-one time and then she runs to the hot tub and yells, “get to da haaaahht taaaahb” like Arnold Schwarzenegger and don’t look now but I’m sort of falling in love?
She then locks herself in a bathroom stall, cries, yells at people for trying to help her, cries, tries to leave the show by walking to an elevator, cries, locks herself in the bathroom stall again, cries, and then tells Juan Pablo, “nnnnNNNO” when Juan Pablo asks her to come out of the bathroom stall, and this is the absolute best.
The next morning she says she’s sorry and that when she’s mad she’s really mad and when she’s happy she’s really happy and did she just casually tell Juan Pablo she’s bipolar? He tells her that he essepts her apology, but she gets booted regardless, and at least we had a good time while it lasted.
Lost in all of this is the fact that Juan Pablo ALSO pets the head of Nikki, the girl who is a nurse who might use nurse contraptions sexually, and the wonderful moment where Kelly, the girl whose profession is ‘dog lover’, gets the rose that night because she dressed in blackface and that showed him dedication to the round robin marriage tournament.
And the fact that he told Nikki that she probably missed, “checkin’ out little kids.”
And the fact that Kelly’s still rocking that lazy eye.
You’ve got kids? I’VE got kids! Essept this rose.
Not much to report from the rose ceremony portion of the night.
Basically, Amy L, the girl who was pretty worthless in the first episode, acts fairly worthless and pretends to interview Juan Pablo with a fake microphone because she’s a reporter in real life and get it?
Other than that, Cassandra, the girl whose profession is ‘not my old job’, shows us pictures of Trey and see? SEE? I’M NOT RACIST.
Finally, Amy L gives us some crazy eyes and everyone we figured would get eliminated gets eliminated.
Victoria, the girl who confused the heimlich maneuver with the membrane that surrounds or partially covers the external vaginal opening.
Amy L, the girl who Veronica Corningstoned our Mundo.
Black Girl #1, the girl who Juan Pablo picked a white girl in accidental black face whose job is “dog lover” over because this show is unreal.
SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:
Danielle, because honestly has she spoken to anyone yet.
Christy, because wait has she spoken to anyone yet.
Kelly, because she brought her dog on a dating television show.
Cassandra, because she has a baby and Juan Pablo has a baby.
Renee, because no SHE has a baby.
Sharleen, because no SHE’S the best.
Kat, because hey, normal human.
Clare, because if you wear a baby bump on a first date and then talk about your dead father for hours straight and someone still likes you, I just don’t know how you’re not in the running.
See you next week, everyone.