Where We Left Off

Last week, a girl who spells her name in a way I dislike strongly who has already lost a round robin marriage television show began a new one because she felt like since the last one went so well, why not. She was picked to be the bachelorette because girls like her/everyone feels bad that she was publicly humiliated more than 24 other women who were publicly humiliated on national television, and if that's not what love is all about I don't know what is. 

She met 22 white people and 4 "we're not white but we're also not only black guys so take that, racism!" people. She eliminated five people by the end of the episode by not giving them a rose, signifying they were not worthy of being loved on television or in real life, which has gotta feel pretty good if you're emotionally low enough to try your luck at finding a wife on a TV show. 

Jake, the black guy who didn't even really get an introduction on the show because they were busy showing us white people talking. 

Jonathan, the guy who wore a kilt and said "I'm not wearing any panties" which doesn't work ever, all the time always for reasons that would take an entire essay to list off, the first of which is believing that saying the word "panties" to a girl is going to make you marriage material. (The only way he could have gone out any faster is if he had said the word "moist" at some point, because it's in a direct tie with "panties" for "words you should never say to women ever.)

Nick S., the guy who did the splits that made everyone angry because he was trying too hard on a show where the whole point is to try to hard. 

Peter, the guy who brought a giant plush stuffed animal heart and gave it to her not in a carnival setting and thought this would work. 

And Sal, the guy who brought her balls to squeeze that were blue and I don't even need to make a joke, he's just bad at life/women. 

Episode two is usually when:

1) One guy starts talking about how great he is and how all of the other guys are total douchebags, which is something total douchebags say, and everyone completely begins to hate him. 

2) Someone already feels a "strong connection" with JoJo, meaning he feels a strong "I'd love to have sex with her" feeling. 

3) Someone reveals themselves as "the bat shit crazy guy who actually makes men understand when women say, 'do you understand how hard it is to find a decent man these days?'"

Lucky for us, every one of these things occurred. 

Sadly for us, some of us actually watched this show. 

The Recap

The episode opened with a shot of JoJo staring off of a balcony telling us how over the guy she fell in love with on the same TV show a few months ago she is, because after meeting 26 new guys she's totally over it and no seriously, she's over it, why don't you believe her? BELIEVE HER, SHE'S FINE, WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE BE STARING OFF OF THIS BALCONY LONGINGLY AND/OR WHY WOULD SHE GO ON A TV SHOW IF SHE WASN'T TOTALLY FINE AND READY? GOD. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE GET THAT SHE'S OVER HIM. (Spoiler alert: because she is in no way over him and this season is essentially watching someone go through one giant search for a rebound, and when I realize this I'm more excited than I've been for any season, ever, because it's like the dumpster fire is extra large this year and we all get our own bottles of lighter fluid to throw on it.)

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James F., the boxing club owner who clearly is a boxing club owner because someone huwted his feewings when he was widdle, says he feels like it's just a great group of guys because no one is a jerk, which pretty much guarantees that this episode will be about someone is a total dick. 

On cue, Chad, the guy who is a luxury real estate salesmen who no one likes because for starters his name is Chad, is a total dick and says he can do better than all of the guys in the house at everything, because Chad has a high self esteem and people who say things like that are in no way insecure and that's why they only sell real estate to not poor people for a living.  

We are informed that there will be two group dates and a one on one date this week. Group dates are great, because it's like watching guys at a bar at 1:59am in "the point of desperation", and one on one's are great because if you don't get a rose you're automatically eliminated, so the entire time it's like watching a guy whose girlfriend hinted at the fact that she doesn't want to be with him anymore and this is his last chance so all he does is smile even though we know he's terrified he's about to get dumped for hours straight. 

Our first group date will be with:

Luke, the guy who is so attractive yet so unintelligent that girls always like because girls make poor dating decisions.

Grant, the guy who's promised he's not going to break JoJo's heart by falling in love with two girls on the show even though there is only one girl. 

Will, the guy who is so uninteresting that we all just wish would go away because nothing exciting will happen with him ever. 

Evan, the guy who was a pastor who became an erectile dysfunction specialist because this is real life.

Daniel, the Rav4 of male models who may or may not be gay and not know it yet.

Vinny, the guy who says that the one thing that he won't do for love is turkey meat. 

Ali, the bartender whose siblings have all excelled at life while he has seemingly quit on it.  

James F., the boxing club owner who clearly is a boxing club owner because someone huwted his feewings when he was widdle. 

Wells, the radio DJ who relied on a 90's R&B group not once but twice on a television show to convince a woman he's marriage material.

And Robby, the former competitive swimmer who hasn't mentioned another career so he's probably just unemployed. 

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Robby tells us he has butterflies just thinking about JoJo coming to pick them all up at the mansion for their date, and that's the second time someone has said that they have butterflies just thinking about something in this episode and that's more times than any man has ever said that in real life about anything, ever, and we're only into the first five minutes of episode two. 

This date is hot because it's about fire and we're gonna keep using metaphors about how hot it is to hammer home that it's about fire.

To begin the date, a limo shows up and explodes and catches on fire. All of the guys stare at it and either laugh or look confused, both of which are poor reactions to a car exploding in front of you and then setting on fire. 

Chase, the guy who makes two mustache jokes when he introduces himself to JoJo and probably loves wedding photo booths, thinks aloud and wonders if JoJo is in the car and if she is, if he should consider saving her, and everyone immediately realizes that Chase just said out loud that if the woman he's trying marry on television is on fire, he's still unsure if he should make an effort to make her not on fire and/or dead, and all of us worry about Chase's SAT score. 

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JoJo then shows up in a firetruck and puts the limo out with a giant hose while a guy who is a professional firefighter and a contestant on the show is standing directly behind her, and we all realize he's probably not good at fighting fires and/or dating.

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Daniel, the Rav4 of male models who may or may not be gay and not know it yet. talks about how hot it was seeing JoJo put out that fire and that she could spray him down any day, and then stares off aimlessly  into the distance, as though wondering if he's straight or not and if he's trying to "force the hetero too hard" in front of our very own eyes. 

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As JoJo and the group date guys head out, Chad, the guy who is a luxury real estate salesmen who no one likes because for starters his name is Chad, says he feels like the guys on the date are JoJo's "B Team" and that none of them really have a shot. He then talks about how in his days as a car salesman that he would always show people his worst cars before he showed them his best car, and we can't hear anything he's said after he said he was a car salesman because of course Chad was a car salesmen before he was a luxury real estate agent and everyone in the entire world knows that Chad has an incredibly small penis now and for some reason that's comforting. 

Chad then attaches a weight belt to his luggage and does pull ups because Chad is the saddest, most insecure man alive and we are literally watching the reason that women hate dating happen in real time and I'm so happy that I don't ever have to use Tinder as a woman. In a shallow moment, I also realize that his luggage looks rather cheap, and I laugh because I'm a terrible person and Chad is probably also really bad at selling luxurious real estate.

For the group date, JoJo takes the guys to a fire academy where they have to put out fires and the guys who are the best at it get more one on one time with JoJo. 

I begin to write jokes about it and then I find myself oddly conflicted, considering my two choices for professions for the majority of my young life were "firefighter" or "astronaut" and one of them is now the theme of a television show I'm mocking, and I wonder to myself out loud if The Bachelorette just beat me at my own game. You win this round, ABC. 

I also realize that one of the guys on the group date is Grant, the guy who's promised he's not going to break JoJo's heart by falling in love with two girls on the show even though there is only one girl, who is also a firefighter, and that if he loses this competition in any way that would mean he's bad at his job and dating and I get worried about him in the way Jewish mothers get worried about their sons and wonder if that's just because I'm a dad now and want everyone to win everything all the time so we can just clap and say "yay!" because that's what I do for a living these days.  

While competing by doing fire things, Daniel, the Rav4 of male models who may or may not be gay and not know it yet. says the last time he's pulled "hose" like that (get it? like ho's) was probably back in his apartment, and while it's totally supposed to be a joke about how he totally gets a ton of ladies, it's funny because penises also are kind of like hoses so he's saying he pulls a ton of them and don't look now, Daniel, but you're just making it worse. 

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Wells, the radio DJ who relied on a 90's R&B group not once but twice on a television show to convince a woman he's marriage material, struggles with the competition because he weighs 12 lbs and isn't a fireman, and has to stop and see a medic and that means Wells isn't a man because he's a normal human being who's not good at being a firefighter because he is not, in fact, a firefighter. 

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Wells ironically then gets one on one time with JoJo because he was bad at the competition so she wants to make sure he's okay, and all the other guys get mad because that's not fair, and I feel the small victory every overly sensitive, not that good looking guy has felt his entire life when having too many feelings somehow beat out "being a jock" and TAKE THAT LIFE, FEELINGS ARE GREAT AND IT IS OKAY TO HAVE A LOT AND/OR TOO MANY FEELINGS WHILE BEING TERRIBLE AT SPORTS.

Back at the house, James Taylor, the guy who is not actually James Taylor but also plays music because his name is James Taylor so he had to for a living, and all the other guys write a song about JoJo that has awful lyrics and they all smile and laugh. This makes the Chad very upset, and he won't sing the bad song because The Chad doesn't sing and The Chad doesn't do things with other men and The Chad is better than everyone at everything and we all imagine that Chad is dreaming up the next big career move he's going to make, which is presumably selling timeshares in Cabo because that has to be the only huge career move left to check off his bucket list.

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The final three guys in the fire fighting competition thing are Luke, Grant and Wells because one is good looking, one is an actual firefighter and one is now understanding that the producers selected him for the show because he would be really easy to publicly embarrass and starting out with the 90's R&B band twice in a row definitely didn't help his cause and tip of the cap to you, ABC, for knowing who to pick on. 

Luke, the guy who is so attractive yet so unintelligent that girls always like because girls make poor dating decisions, tells us that he's fairly confident that he's going to win the competition and that not even the firefighter can stop him now but then he comes up to a giant wall that says "HIT HERE" and we all get extremely worried that Luke may or may not be able to read and this moment may be his achilles. 

Shockingly, he DOES "HIT HERE" and my mind almost explodes because I seriously didn't think he would hit here. 

Sadly, Grant is still a firefighter and wins the competition, but we all wonder if he really did or not because then Luke says his time with JoJo just "went up in flames" and that's a bad play on words but it IS at least a use of words that shows that you understand how to make jokes and/or use words in different ways than toddlers and maybe, just maybe, Luke just learned how words work today and if he did? Watch out, world. 

Grant uses his one on one time wisely and talks about being a firefighter and then kisses JoJo but all we can think about is that pimple on Grant's jaw and how bad we all want him to pop it. 

Following Grant, Wells, the DJ who almost died who has so many feelings, gets the next one on one time and there's that smug feeling again that FEELINGS ARE OKAY AND SOMETIMES THEY DO WIN THINGS.

He shows her pictures of his dog, and his dog is named Carl, and I love dogs with human names, and don't look now but maybe I'm falling in love with Wells. 

They all spend time with her, but most notably, Evan, the guy who was a pastor who became an erectile dysfunction specialist because this is real life, casually drops the fact that he has kids (plural) and it's starting to become clear why he's no longer involved in a job where you're not allowed to have sex for a living and changed his career to "helping guys make their penises work so they can have sex which sometimes causes people to have kids"

Luke, the guy who is so attractive yet so unintelligent that girls always like because girls make poor dating decisions, finally gets his one on one time with JoJo and talks about the military and how he came on TV because he knows he's ready "to be like, what's next?" and then he says he already has feelings for JoJo and he's falling for her and it feels like Luke is taking a page out of Wells's playbook and "using words and saying feelings" and we officially know he's back in it. He is also casually wearing a leather jacket that I would usually say only douchebags wear but then I realize I'm writing a recap of a show called The Bachelorette with my free time and rethink saying that. 

Wells gets the rose for the night which makes no sense because feelings and normal people never win, and I miss mundo. 

Luke is extremely disappointed yet extremely good looking, and talks about how it's not fair because him and JoJo had a really good connection. 

I come close to shedding a small tear, as I realize that Wells just won a small victory for every overly sensitive, no-chance-in-hell normal guy out there on a round robin marriage tournament show, as he won by (wait for it) seeming like a guy who you'd actually like to marry. 

I'm satisfied and then entirely confused, as it feels like he just broke the show and someone needs to punch someone or say something about their abs fast or else we're watching something entirely plausible occurring and who the fuck signed up for that?

This could be the first date to my future wife, which means I don't know how to say sentences which is a red flag. 

Our second date is a one-on-one date is with Derek, the guy who told her he can tell she has a good sense of self because he watched her on TV once. 

He starts the date by saying, "this could be the first date to my future wife" and I get angry because it could be the first date with your future wife and sadly I already hate Derek because of a grammatical flaw. 

Their whole date is going to be a "choose your own adventure" date and it seems boring from the minute it starts and we all feel like we're watching two people go to Applebee's together and we have to watch it and we all just wish we could fast forward because who cares, Derek is boring. 

Derek says he's never had a first date like this and as I'm about to make fun of him and say "well no one has, Derek, because it's a date on a TV show", I realize the woman sitting next to him has, quite recently, when she was on the same television show she is now on again.

He then says he definitely has a little crush on her but more importantly that he has butterflies and that's three times now in this episode now and no seriously when was the last time you heard a man say that he had butterflies.

They fly to San Francisco on a private jet and I'm excited because I'M from San Francisco but then they go to Fisherman's Wharf and everyone from San Francisco hates this show and thinks it's dumb and who the fuck ever goes to Fisherman's Wharf. 

They drink wine and stare at the Golden Gate Bridge and we all feel like we could be watching any Tinder date in San Francisco, ever, and wish it would just be over. 

Their date is boring and they kiss and Derek says that when he locks eyes with JoJo there are fireworks and he also said he felt butterflies and it's sad because we all know he'll never win so it's kinda like watching the most boring guy who is handsome in the world go on what will be one of five dates before a girl phases him out. 

then imagine him sitting handsomely in a room sad months from now, and fireworks go off in the distance and a butterfly flies by and a single tear drops from his eye, and he remembers the time he fell in fake love on TV and has a moment. 

Back at the house, The Chad and "I'm probably into guys and I'm a Rav4 male model" Daniel oddly share a moment of agreement talking about how much they dislike the other guys in the house, and then Chad says with an angry face that he ALWAYS warns girls to stay away from the nice guys. 

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What's amazing about this moment is that Daniel is, no doubt, falling for Chad, and Chad is somehow defying the odds and becoming "the guy no one in the world likes" more and more with every waking moment he's on the show.

Chad seems like the kind of guy who pre-orders tickets to a pool party at a hotel in Las Vegas months in advance. 

Chad then says (no seriously, he says this) "if you were making a protein shake out of the dudes here, that dude protein shake would be, like, have zero chance." No one has any idea what this means, and that's also not a complete sentence, and I hate Chad with every fiber of my being. 

Chad and Daniel hen tell each other they both knew the other one was cool the minute they met each other and give one of the worst high fives to each other I've ever seen. 

We all realize in this moment that The Chad thinks he's making a friend, but Daniel? He may have found the girl of his dreams. And it turns out it wasn't a girl.

The rest of the date is extremely boring and I just wish it would go away. 

JoJo brings up how she's over the guy she's clearly not over again, and there are definitely no red flags there.

I would post pictures of what happens throughout these scenes, but it's so boring that I don't even want to waste anyone's time. The Applebee's joke feels too real now, and I'm pretty sure I just had to sit through it. 

She gives him a rose, they say a bunch of cliche shit, and everyone from San Francisco is disappointed in the entire sequence. 

I'm the worst person in the world, i treat EVERYONE poorly including you, but my mom died. marry me.

Our second group date is with:

Jordan, the guy who is not a professional football player but his brother is a professional football player so he'll probably win.

Christian, the guy who is really nice who I have no problem who will only not win because he's black.

Nick B., the guy who introduced himself in a santa costume and didn't get eliminated so who even fucking knows what to say.

James Taylor, the guy who is not actually James Taylor but also plays music because his name is James Taylor so he had to for a living.

Alex, the guy who's brother got married so now he wants to get married so it sounds like he's making decisions for himself,

The Chad, the guy who is a luxury real estate salesmen who no one in the entire world likes because for starters his name is Chad.

The guys go to ESPN to prove their love to JoJo, and this is more brotastic than we could have even hoped for and who knows what's coming but it's probably going to be a lot of bro stuff.  

We see JoJo on the set of ESPN's Sportsnation and they are debating whether or not Steph Curry is the greatest player of all time and on live TV JoJo says he isn't and now I hate JoJo and somehow want her to lose another round robin marriage tournament because you do not talk about my sports team like that, JoJo, at least until you can spell your name without two capital letters so I can take you seriously. 

The hosts of the show inform the guys that today the show won't be Sportsnation, it's Bachelornation, and I think to myself how frustrated the producers must have gotten trying to find a way to make it "Bachelorettenation" but knowing they couldn't because it looked funny when they wrote it that way so instead they had to name it something that is not the actual show we're watching. 

We see a shot of all of them standing next to each other, and we realize that Alex, the guy who's brother got married so now he wants to get married so it sounds like he's making decisions for himself, is very short, and for some reason this is funny for no apparent reason other than it's funny when guys are short. 

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They go through a series of tests to see who is the best fit for JoJo, and the first challenge is called "Strike a Rose", which is a play on the words "Strike a Pose", which I feel is lazy and clever all at once and don't know who I am anymore.

One by one, the guys have to do a touchdown victory dance with a giant rose, which is in no way embarrassing. 

I would post pictures, but instead I'll just let you imagine you're at a bar in a douchey area you live near and drunk white guys are dancing. Can you see it? Great. You just saw the last 10 minutes of television. 

The next game is called "Eye on the Prize" and they all have to spin around with their head on a bat 10 times and then propose to JoJo and you know what, why are we even watching this, just read the last sentence again, because this entire segment is just drunk white guys at a bar trying to win the attention of a hot girl and then I realize that's actually entirely all this show is and then I realize I'm recapping that and I have a strong disliking of myself for a moment. 

The Chad says that they are all little children playing games and they don't realize that this is a real girl who wants to get married, and that's funny because The Chad is on a national television show that is essentially a game and he has chosen to play it. 

When it's The Chad's turn, she doesn't like his proposal and he calls her naggy because she asks him to tell her why he likes her and I don't think Chad has ever met a woman in his entire life because that's a pretty regular question women that you date ask you. 

The last game is called "press conference" and they have to say the qualities they're looking for in a woman and oh my fucking god this is the worst ever. 

Every guy basically says that The Chad is the worst and then The Chad gets defensive and says he's not going to lie because he doesn't know what he loves about her yet so he just knows that he wants to find out and it sucks but The Chad just made a very valid point and we all hate him for it. Then he says he knows he's ready for a relationship because he's ready emotionally and financially and the minute he says the second part it feels great to hate him again.

The Chad then goes on an existential rant about the show in general that he's chosen to be on and about how it's weird that these guys are saying that they love JoJo because that's impossible, they don't know her yet and what's to say they wouldn't just say that to the next beautiful woman that walked up and don't look now but The Chad is making perfect sense and breaking the television show and we all hate him even more because he's right and I feel like watching The Chad is like fighting with a girlfriend in real life and I'm getting exhausted. 

JoJo then talks about how The Chad sn't hiding that he dislikes the other guys and that she likes his honesty and has the look of a girl who's about to start dating a guy you'll hate for the next 5-7 years because he's a total douchebag who treats her like shit and forgets her birthday and we all have a sad moment and realize that JoJo is going to do what every girl does: pick a really awful guy that in no way appreciates her and date him for a long time. Then we realize it's a television show that people go on to find their husband or wife and wonder why we ever thought anything else would ever happen. 

 They do power rankings of the guys from 1-6 in order of who has the best shot at a rose, and The Chad gets 2nd and Alex, the guy who is suprisinlgy short who makes decisions because his brother made a decision once, gets third and is not happy about it.

Don't look now, but this show is about as real life as it gets: car salesmen like The Chad inexplicably win at things, and if there's one thing you should expect them to win, it's probably a round robin marriage tournament on television. 

They then have a cocktail party to see who gets the rose for tonight, and I'm pretty sure every guy in the house is ready to throw punches if The Chad does, and finally, we've got ourselves a show.

James Taylor, the guy who is not actually James Taylor but also plays music because his name is James Taylor so he had to for a living, somehow came in first so he gets to spend the most time with JoJo. 

He tells her that a smile is the only thing you can see on the outside that comes from the inside, and I wonder if James has ever seen someone stick out their tongue or if James has ever had sexual intercourse. 

Instead of talking to her, he reads her a note that he wrote, and I begin to make fun of him but then think of how many letters I write to my girlfriend and then realize that my girlfriend's name is Joscelin and I call her Jo and I worry that I'm on extremely thin ice. 

They all talk to JoJo and mostly we just hear The Chad explain what is wrong with each guy, and it's almost getting boring to hate him because he is sometimes surprisingly accurate and I hate you Chad, I HATE YOU. 

The Chad gets one on one time with JoJo and plays the trump card: his mother passed away six months ago and she was his best friend and now everyone feels like we're therapists and that's why he's so broken and we all feel like maybe someone can fix him! and then we see him make this face and we're so confused, because we feel impossibly bad for a guy who looks like this:

He talks about the puppy he inherited from his mother and jesus christ HOW is he DOING THIS? They make a wish in a fountain because in real life if you throw a penny in a fountain dreams come true, especially when wishes are husbands, and then they kiss and JoJo makes the face of the girl who's your friend who is dating that guy you hate and you can tell she will never, ever break up with him even when he treated her extremely poorly and oh my god I almost worry I can't watch this season anymore because I could just go have a beer in the Marina in San Francisco and watch any couple and it'd be the exact same thing. 

The Chad said he came into this not expecting to have feelings for a woman, which sounds super healthy on a lot of levels, but he's starting to feel that for JoJo and that's what he hated about the other guys and I almost can't write because my cynicism is burning in me like a fire I will never be able to put out and I hate everything. 

James Taylor, the guy who is not actually James Taylor but also plays music because his name is James Taylor so he had to for a living, wins the rose, and this frustrates The Chad. 

Let's call each other bro and threaten to punch each other BECAUSE we're on a show about love.

The rose portion of the show is basically the highlight, because The Chad has officially become the villain this show.

The Chad cheats and meets JoJo outside before the other guys get to see her that night and takes her on a walk, which is actually kind of a sneaky smart move, because the point of the show is to (wait for it) spend a lot of time with the girl who is picking between you and roughly 20 other people.

Robby, the former competitive swimmer who hasn't mentioned another career so he's probably just unemployed, wears this bow tie to the evening, and quietly we're all beginning to realize that maybe there's a reason that he's unemployed and/or from Florida. 

When James S., the guy whose profession is "watching a television show", realizes that The Chad was outside with JoJo before everyone else got to see her, he makes the face of someone who just found out Santa Claus isn't real, and as I write that I wonder if anyone has actually told James that Santa isn't real and maybe, just maybe, he doesn't even know that yet, and I worry that there's a whole world of shock out there for James.

In an odd moment, a group of the guys call The Chad over and ask him to explain "what just happened." I'd love to say I hate The Chad, but I don't: he went outside and talked to the girl he's trying to marry in the round robin tournament. Alex, the guy who is suprisinlgy short who makes decisions because his brother made a decision once, is really angry at The Chad, and to be fair, I can't quite understand why, because they are on a television show where the point of everything is to win a game of making a girl like you more.

The rest of the evening is essentially grown men acting like the women they make fun of all the time and being super sensitive about things that range from "how much food other people are eating" to "what tie you've selected." In an amazing moment, men get to watch themselves on television and realize they are the women they complain about constantly, on an almost worse level. 

As though it couldn't get any better, a group of the guys "confront" The Chad about how much food he was eating and about how he was playing the game. 

The Chad jokes about how it's like West Side Story and don't look now but I almost sort of like him right now for calling everyone out about how ridiculous this show is and also making a slightly decent West Side Story reference. 

Alex, the guy who is suprisinlgy short who makes decisions because his brother made a decision once, shocks no one because he's in the military and probably has a super easy going demeanor, confronts The Chad and tells her to stop spending so much time with JoJo because it's no fair and then The Chad says the he'll punch his teeth out and that's just really aggressive and I'm exhausted but can't take my eyes away at this point. Alex then says, "you think i'm scared of you bro?" and I realize this isn't even a TV show anymore, we're literally just sitting in a frat drinking wine watching white guys talk to each other. 



Brandon, because his profession was hipster and he kinda just seemed like someone's friend who was sleeping on the couch. So, accurate profession, actually?

James S., because his profession was "watching a television show", namely the one he was on.

Will, because he is the most boring human being alive and he just had to stop.


Vinny, because the one thing he won't do for love is "turkey meat" and no one can in any way explain what that means. 

Robby, because he's an unemployed swimmer from Florida who wears questionable bow ties. 

Daniel, because i'm 110% positive he doesn't like women.


The Chad, because I fucking hate him and love him and it's almost like he makes me understand why women date assholes and I hate that.

Wells, because he somehow used feelings to win a bro contest and hit it out of the park. 

Derek, because he went on the most boring date ever, is the most boring human ever, and that's appealing to a lot of women for no apparent reason whatsoever. 


I cannot tell you how confused I am by this season already, but I know this:

The Chad is here to stay, and we're going to love him and hate him and ooooooo I just feel like this is what dating is ACTUALLY like.

Also? Really afraid on a karmic level that I'm dating a girl that I gave the nickname "Jo" to and now I'm making fun of a girl named JoJo weekly.

See you next week, everyone.


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