Welcome to Season 12 of The Bachelorette on ABC, where people make the conscious decision to find love/get married on a television show by competing against 26 or more other people who hate them for a stranger that they do not know but may have seen on television before, which is healthy.
In the 11 previous seasons, only one or possibly two couples that formed on the show have actually gotten married (and we still have no idea if Catherine and Sean have had sex, and if they haven't that doesn't count just kidding most people who are married never have sex). One couple was formed when the guy dumped the girl he picked on the show for the one he did not pick on the show, so basically every woman's feelings about male behavior actualized, and the other was exactly like JoJo and came in second place on a televised round robin marriage tournament, so you know that relationship is based on nothing but love. Second place, "I already told another woman ON TELEVISION I LOVED HER LIKE 3 WEEKS AGO" love.
Alternatively, a show called "The Biggest Loser," in which fat people get "not fat" has produced five couples that actually fell in love.
If you're keeping score at home, and/or looking into finding your husband or wife on a television show: your best bet is to get morbidly obese and have people root for you to not be morbidly obese as opposed to going on the "I want to fall in love so desperately I'm willing to do it in a really desperate manner" show.
And that's exactly why it's more fun to watch the "I want to fall in love so desperately I'm willing to do it in a really desperate manner" show.
Our bachelorette is JoJo Fletcher, the girl who lost the last season of The Bachelor but girls actually liked her (which is a miracle because girls never like other girls, it's pretty much science) so they brought her back to see if she couldn't wrangle up another "person on TV you could marry maybe." She spells her name with two capital J's in two different places, which is a red flag almost 100% of the time because names are spelled with one upper case letter and then lower case letters. From what I've heard, she's "the best" and everyone loves her, but with two capital J's, I've got a lot of trepidation about that. To introducer herself on the show last season, she stepped out of a limo wearing a unicorn mask and then told the bachelor she was trying to marry on national television that unicorns DO exist and that she thinks she's his. As we know, she was not his unicorn, but as we also know, she is a person who thinks that a good idea on a first date is to wear a unicorn mask and proclaim that that's what you think you are to this person you've never met. If this happened in real life, the person on the date whom this was happening to would probably decide within 0.2 nanoseconds that this person was a terrible idea, but instead he decided that she was one of TWO women that he would marry. Don't give up, single people, because apparently the dating pool is so bad that these are things people now consider as marriage material.
The guy she did this too also told her that he loved her and she told him she loved him and then he promised her she'd never be blindsided by him, and then he married another women within the next few days. Apparently, this caused her to go on the show again, because JoJo has the memory of a goldfish and/or is the type of person who believes people who tell her that the south actually won the civil war and we just haven't realized it yet. So, good start.
JoJo's season will be good for a lot of reasons, the first being that a person who wears unicorn masks to first dates get not one but two TV shows in America.
Our intro to JoJo is great because we get to really see how she's dealt with losing the Bachelor only a season ago. To show us her agony, we see her staring at a lot of flowers seriously, non-sequitur pictures of birds being birds (because what says love more than a bird just doing bird things in no relation to any narrative), and we also see her walking on the ocean and staring at it a lot, because the ocean is majestic and if you can't look at it and think about things, you can't get married. Everyone knows that.
A few choice quotes in her intro:
- “The days and weeks following my breakup with Ben, I was upset and hurt and confused." (This means that she felt that she was dating a person who was also dating 25 other women at the same time, and considered him not selecting her a "breakup", which is also to say she believes they were in a relationship. Last time I checked, if someone is dating 25 other people, you are not, in fact, in a relationship. Maybe I'm a romantic, who knows.)
- "I was so confused, because how can you love two people at once?" (Good question, JoJo. Definitely one you should consider before going on a television show where he will date 25 other people at the same time as you.)
- "If he hadn’t broken up with me, I wouldn’t know exactly what I deserve: someone who has the same values as me and wants the same things as me, and I”m grateful for that relationship." (Not only does she once again say that she was in a relationship with a guy who was dating 25 other people at the same time twice in one sentence, she also states the core values that every human being has when looking for someone to date. That means that it took someone who was dating 25 other women at the same time "breaking up" with her to make her realize that she is looking for someone who wants the same things as her, which makes me wildly concerned about JoJo's concept of just about everything, ever.)
- "I’m starting an entire new book of just my journey to find love!" (When interviewed before the show, JoJo stated that she doesn't read a ton of books. So, technically, she's starting a journey entirely to find love and sees it as a book and she doesn't read books. So there's that.)
To get the season started, JoJo does what anyone does who's looking for love and sits down with three women who have previously starred on the round robin marriage tournament on television, because who better to get advice about love from than them?
A few choice quotes/moments from this portion:
- JoJo says "I hate hurting people's feelings!" Which seems totally believable, because she's agreed to star on a show where she's contractually obligated to nationally humiliate and hurt the feelings of at least 25 people.
- When JoJo asks the girls if they have any regrets, they state that they:
- "Wish they took a step back" which could mean that they either feel like they wish they hadn't chosen to be on a show where you find your husband on television OR that they wish they hadn't rushed into things, like trying to find the person you're going to marry on television in under a month. Either way, I enjoyed this answer more than I enjoy girl scout cookies.
- "Wish they had thought more about compatibility" which is an amazing answer on so many level that there aren't enough words to write jokes here. Just a tip: when looking for someone to marry, I think even a homeless person could tell you that some solid advice is to make sure that you and the person you are selecting to marry for the rest of your life are compatible.
- The girls ask JoJo if "the last guy that she almost married said I love you to her and another person at the same time and then selected the other person" gives her any trepidation, JoJo says that she is now going to be pretty nervous to say I love you to two guys on this show. Gotta give it to her, JoJo really took a step back from her last round robin marriage tournament and thought about "things you probably shouldn't do" and came up with at least one very solid thing she learned. Which is that you shouldn't date two people at the same time, in general, and/or also say I love you to both of them.
- JoJo then says that more than anything, she hopes she doesn't let these last Bachelorette contestants down. So, of all the people in her life she doesn't want to let down by going on national television to find a husband, it's people who have also done the same thing. JoJo's morals are high, and her parents were no doubt psyched that they came in second in the category of "people not to let down in situations like this."
Before we meet the guys, JoJo concludes this portion by letting us know that tonight could change her life, and that's how life works in general JoJo.
Episode #1: I just recently lost a television show where people choose between you and 25 other people who they want to marry in about 3 weeks, which is in no way depressing. Wanna get married?
Below are general recaps of JoJo and the 26 men who are vying for the chance to marry a woman who was already not chosen as marriage material on a show where the only thing you go on the show for is to be chosen as marriage material.
The Bachelorette: JoJo
How She Was Introduced On The Show: As the girl who was broken up with someone she was not in a relationship with.
Chances of Winning: 100%. JoJo is "the girl everyone wanted to be the girl who won last season", so I'm pretty sure she's not going to let herself get into a situation where she can be broken up with someone she is not technically dating again.
As much as I make fun of her, JoJo has a lot going for her. She seems incredibly likable, she's really good looking, she's got just enough crazy for it to be attractive, and she wore a unicorn mask on TV a year ago and that somehow got her her own television show. I can in no way argue with the fact that she is winning at life in somehow or way.
As is the case in the first episode of every season, JoJo met each of the 26 guys as they got out of a limo, one by one, because that’s how real life works when you are looking to get married.
Chance of Winning: Sadly low because he is black and black people never win on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette because I'm not saying the show is racist, i'm just saying that it's racist.
Jordan is a firefighter who just likes helping people, which seems like he should be considered at least in the running. He's from San Francisco, so I automatically like him because people from San Francisco like anyone else from San Francisco, ever. My only fear for Jordan is that in his bio he is wearing a those-might-be-silver-sequins shirt that looks like it was bought at an Express for Men outlet store, and I just don't think that's a strong "hey, here's my first impression" go-to shirt. He says that he hopes that he hopes JoJo is the one that lights his fire, and we see what you did there, Grant.
When he gets out of the limo, he tells her he's "not going to do what Ben did to her last year because he's not going to fall in love with two girls, he's going to fall in love with one" which is not a good line because the show only features one girl so he theoretically cannot fall in love with two and sadly we all now know that Grant is bad at math and/or logic.
Occupation: Former NFL Quarterback / Aaron Rodger's brother, who is a current quarterback, which makes only one of them employed.
Chance of Winning: "I play football and girls like boys who play sports automatically" percent
Jordan is a former NFL quarterback, and i'm no economist but I'm pretty sure that means he's "unemployed." He lost the last relationship he was in because he was too into football, so that's why now he's more concerned with love and not football anymore. And/or he was not a good football player and someone broke up with him for other reasons, but he feels that it was probably just the football so his best bet was to be unemployed because if anything is gonna get the next girl, it's that. We see Jordan stare aimlessly in the rain a lot, which means he has feelings. He says he's hoping he's going to be JoJo's #1 draft pick, and watch out, Grant, because you're not the only poet on this show.
Occupation: U.S. Marine
Chance of Winning: The first thing he says on the show is "for most of my life I've had no idea what I wanted to do with my life" so going out on a limb and saying probably low.
Alex lets us know that for most of his life he's had no direction whatsoever and we see him ride a motorcycle, so, good start. He then says he joined the Marine Corps and everything changed, and you're not allowed to say mean things about the military. He has a twin brother who got married and is also in the Marine Corps, and that makes HIM want to get married, so we know he is in no way co-dependant and definitely knows how to make decisions for himself.
Name: James S.
Occupation: "Super Bachelor Fan", which is not, in fact, an occupation.
Chance of Winning: He's so creepy and had the balls to say that his profession was "watching a tv show" so he just might have a shot percent.
We meet James working out shirtless in the desert and posing in what he says is his favorite "bachelor shot/pose", which is in no way a red flag about him as a contestant or a human in general. He stares at himself in the mirror with a rose and accepts it in various ways, like a person accepting an award for something they've achieved, except it's not an award, it's a rose, and he's accepting it in different ways so where do we even begin. He brags about having viewing parties every Monday, and I start to make fun of him in this sentence and then realize I'm watching the show and then I'm disappointed in myself, just in general. He then talks to a picture of Chris Harrison that he has in his room, and all of us want nothing more than for him to be on the show forever and ever because he's so far beyond crazy and/or creepy that it just wouldn't be fair to lose this diamond. Don't go, James S. We need you.
Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. Yes I'm Serious.
Chance of Winning: He's a pastor that then became a man who helped people get erections for a living. I honestly have no fucking idea if he's going to just come out of nowhere (that was funny) and win or lose immediately for those two facts, straight up.
Evan is a man who used to be a pastor who then became an erectile dysfunction specialist for a living, and that's not real life it's a sitcom and Evan is fake. He says with zero irony that his profession is hard and draining, and all of us feel like we are small prepubescent boys for a minute but that's just really funny. He also says he has his mojo for JoJo, and I go from wanting him to win to wanting him to lose in a smaller amount of time than I can type in a sentence because I want him to try harder at words.
Chance of Winning: Nobody ever wants to marry a bartender and definitely didn't go on a TV show to find love with one percent.
We meet Ali and he's playing the Piano and right away just assume that he will lose because those guys usually do. He talks about how ambitious his siblings are and then we realize he's a bartender and we're all immediately concerned that Ali may be "that" sibling that everyone is worried about but doesn't talk about it unless he's not at dinner with them. He wants to buy a house near the beach and teach his kids to surf, which is in some ways adorable. We see a photo of him reading a book, and immediately know that he will lose because JoJo doesn't read books.
He gets out of the limo and looks way too excited to meet JoJo and we all know this is going to end poorly for Ali, like a bad Tinder date that we get to watch hopefully weekly.
Occupation: Telecom Consultant / Guy Who Works Out A Lot, Bro
Chances of Winning: "This show is still pretty racist and he's at least partially black so zero" percent. ALTHOUGH he's biracial, so hey, ABC, now's the time to show us that you've got it in you to really turn that corner.
Christian seems likable in every way possible and I hate it when those people are on the show because they'll probably lose AND I have nothing mean to say about them. He raises his two brothers and the only thing I don't like about him is that he drinks water out of a wine glass and who does that, put wine in it because alcohol is fun.
Occupation: War Veteran / Countryboy
Chances of Winning: He's very attractive and maybe dumb but in that adorable "aw shucks" way and women seem to love that percent.
Luke is a war veteran, he's very attractive and I have nothing mean to say about him. I have no idea if he wins or loses but he's a seemingly decent person from a small town and I don't get it because he seems pretty okay. If he loses, he has a strong chance of being the next Bachelor because he's attractive and nice and there doesn't seem to be much interesting and/or wrong about him.
In a genius maneuver, he puts a unicorn horn on a horse and rides up on it to meet JoJo, and I swear to God, how does this guy not have a shot?
Also, that's animal cruelty.
Also, we're all totally okay with it, because unicorns.
Occupation: Commercial Banker
Chances of Winning: "If Commercial Banker means I make a lot of money": HIGH / "If Commercial Banker means bank teller": LOW
Derek says he's nervous 22 times and is attractive in that "you're attractive but I can tell you're boring as shit" kind of way. He tells her that from watching her on TV he can tell she has a good sense of self, and while it's a nice compliment it's also quietly a super creepy one, because he gauged this from watching her on television.
Name: James F.
Occupation: Boxing Club Owner
Chances of Winning: He looks like everyone's brother-in-law that you forget the name of and kinda feel bad about it but then don't because he's uninteresting percent.
James looks like the kind of guy whose name you never remember and you kinda don't even feel bad about it because he's that uninteresting. He owns a boxing club, so the first thing that comes to my head is either he got the shit beat out of him as a kid and now has a chip on his shoulder in a sad way or he's a guy who owns a boxing club and I just can't see that ever being someone who is a smart person. He says he didn't come here for a rose, he came here for a relationship, and that's kinda funny because if he doesn't get a rose then he doesn't get a relationship and so what was supposed to be a cute one-liner actually just makes it look like James F. doesn't understand how the show works and we all assume he's probably bad at board games and/or anything that you have to win.
Occupation: Former Competitive Swimmer / A really well worded way of saying "unemployed"
Chances of Winning: "I'm an attractive athlete so probably at least 50%" percent
Robby gets out of the limo and immediately gives JoJo a bottle of wine as a gift that makes me love him immediately because even if he's not kind of a drunk? Now I think there's a shot and that could be fun and unexpected. I also enjoy that, much like "I'm Aaron Rodgers Brother" guy (Jordan), he's a "former" athlete which means he's technically unemployed and I love that he was smart enough to know that you just can't say that and win anything with women, ever. He then opens the bottle and makes them both drink straight from it without glasses and look out, world, everyone on the planet likes this guy because he drinks wine straight from a bottle without a glass and that's a sign of someone who's given up on at least something.
Occupation: Civil Engineer
Chances of Winning: "I'm a civil engineer and that job sounds boring and I also made bad jokes the minute I met you" percent
Will gets out of the limo and drops a bunch of cards with things he wrote on them to say to her, which means that Will is definitely good with women and definitely good enough with women that he should be on a TV show to try to marry one. He is uninteresting and then his jokes are bad and I'm so bored with Will that I just want him to not even have existed and I'm sad we just wasted 2 minutes of a show we're already wasting our lives on on him.
Occupation: Luxury Real Estate Agent, because other real estate is for poor people and Chad doesn't deal with poor people.
Chances of Winning: "Sadly high because JoJo is in real estate and he is good looking and women can be predictable" percent
The minute I find out that Chad is a "luxury" real estate agent, I want him to lose not only at the show but at life, but sadly realize he has a high percentage of advancing because he has a wildly obnoxious job title, seems wildly uninteresting and he's also attractive, like a guy you'd meet at a club in Vegas that only has one word like "Spill." that ends with a period for no reason. Fuck you, Chad. I have no reason to dislike you but it's always fun to dislike someone up front and I'm thinking you might be my guy.
Occupation: Male Model
Chances of Winning: "Good God I hope low because he just seems like the worst" percent
Daniel gets out of the car and says, "Damn JoJo, back at it again as the next Bacheloreorerloerettre" which is amazing because he can't pronounce the name of the show he's on and/or what the woman is that he's trying to marry and he's a male model and if you put all of those things together it's like we've won some kind of reality television show/life lottery. He's from Canada, and I immediately feel bad for all Canadians because we all know Canada can do better than this. I in no way get how he's a male model, because he's like the Rav4 of male models and that's all I'm done. Maybe Daniel is a very nice person. Just kidding he's the Rav4 of male models.
He says "if he was a gay dude he'd be in paradise" and we all realize that Daniel is gay and doesn't know how to talk about it and now it's just sad and I want him to come out because he'd be so much cooler if he was gay because gay people are awesome and Rav4 male models are not.
Name: James Taylor
Occupation: Singer / Songwriter probably because he felt he had no choice because of his name
Chances of Winning: I Wish With All My Heart That It Was Worse than the James Taylor who is 68 years old and actually famous percent but maybe more like 4% because she wants to play his guitar so maybe that's worth something?
There is always one guy who gets out of the limo and thinks it's a good idea to sing a song or do something dumb, etc, and so far, James Taylor is our winner. He plays guitar and sings a song about her and it's awful and all of us just can't believe that this guy's name is ACTUALLY fucking James Taylor and I randomly wonder out loud if James Taylor has ever been forced to watch this show. I hope not. Mexico was such a good song, real James Taylor. I still love you.
Occupation: Technical Sales Rep, which could technically mean anything in the most literal of senses.
Chances of Winning: "I wore a kilt to meet you and my job title is ambiguous" percent
Jonathan comes out of the limo wearing a kilt, tells her that he's half Scottish "below the waist" and that he's not wearing any panties, on top of the fact that his job title means he could actually do anything in the world at all. That's not a job title. You're not allowed to be a technical sales rep, you need to technically be more technical about what you sell. Stop that, Jonathan, be more specific. Telling a girl you aren't wearing any panties isn't really a good start either, because pro-tip: almost every woman in the world hates the word panties. You've got this, Jonathan! Just kidding you'll lose faster than the guy whose job was "watching the show I'm on."
Name: Nick B.
Occupation: Electrical Engineer/The Guy Who Wore The Santa Costume
Chances of Winning: He came out wearing a santa costume and you wanna make fun of that but the star of this years show wore a unicorn mask so who the fuck knows percent.
Nick came out of the limo wearing a santa outfit and gives JoJo a present and every guy in the house immediately hates him and I don't hate him at all because he's probably not meaning too but he's making fun of the show and the guys on the show don't get that and that makes it really fun in this weird, almost meta way and I'm so confused even writing this paragraph.
Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Chances of Winning: I hate you so much please be eliminated percent
Chase is the guy who gets out of the limo wearing a fake mustache and then says, "I mustache you a question" and then TOPS it by saying, "but I think I'm gonna shave it for later" and every last one of us know who Chase is because he's the guy at the bar we all see and hate and wonder how he ever gets laid but still know that he does. Chase is, 100%, the guy at weddings who can't wait for photo booths and just PRAYS that there are enough fake mustaches to go around so he can make it his next Facebook Profile pic. Also, Medical Sales Rep is the #1 way of saying "I had no real passions after college so I took some job that was like, a job."
Occupation: Landscape Architect
Chances of Winning: They barely even introduced him and let a white guy talk while he was being introduced because I shit you not THAT'S how racist the show is percent
James honestly doesn't even get his own segment, we just hear douchey white guys from inside the house talking about the show and their chances while he's introduced and wanna know how I know this show is racist? Like, seriously ABC? That's like not even trying. I'm not even angry for black people or James, I'm angry no nevermind I'm angry at ABC and for black people and James.
Occupation: Operations Manager
Chances of Winning: Aaron Rodgers brother was talking in a monologue while I was introduced because I'm so uninteresting that I'm almost automatically disqualified percent.
His name is Sal.
His profession is "Operations Manager".
He brought two blue balls and said she could "squeeze his balls" if she was ever stressed during the night.
Go home Sal, buy a cat. Get into the show Scandal if you're just feeling like really going for it. Your dating life was over before it started.
Occupation: Real Estate Consultant
Chances of Winning: Would be good because he does what she does for a living but his name is "Coley" and just look at him percent.
Coley tells JoJo that he's hoping he's the one who takes her off the market and watch out, that's like our third poet and I'm starting to worry if my day job as a copywriter is in serious danger because these guys are SLAYING it with the play on words.
Occupation: Hipster, which like many people on the show, is not an actual profession
Chance of Winning: Hipsters don't own televisions so how did he even know this was a show percent
Brandon is a "hipster" by profession, and all I want is for him, the guy who "watches the bachelor" as a profession and all of the "former athletes" to get together and talk about things. If only because I think it would be fascinating to see who actually came out on the bottom of that pile. Do I respect him for going with "hipster" as a profession? You bet your ass I do. Do I wish think that he and that free spirit Coachella chick from the Juan Pablo season would hit it off? You bet your ass I do. Do I think he's got a shot in hell? No, but that's probably why he survives an inexplicable amount of episodes and GOD I LOVE THIS SHOW IN SOME FUCKED UP WAY.
Name: Nick S.
Occupation: Software Salesman
Chance of Winning: In his bio he said he's afraid of cheese so impossible because that's just not a good answer to anything percent
Nick S. introduces himself by doing the splits and then doing dance moves and every guy in the house talks shit about how he's "totally fake and just using some gimmick to win her over" which is amazing because the entire show is fake people using gimmicks to win over someone on national television and marry them. For this sole reason, I want Nick S. to go really far.
Chance of Winning: For a barber I've got a really oddly normal/bad haircut percent
Vinny comes out and says he doesn't have champagne but he wanted to prepare a toast so he pulls a piece of toast out of his jacket and this is creepy for a lot of reason but mainly because:
- Vinny had a piece of toast in his jacket and
- Vinny had a piece of toast in his jacket.
It's not mentioned yet on the show, but in his bio online it says that the one thing he won't do for love is "turkey meat" and that literally doesn't make any sense and now I'm looking at a guy who had a piece of toast in his jacket prepared for a bad joke who "Wouldn't do turkey meat for love" and I can't help but root for him even though I know he has to lose within -7 seconds, which is just so sad. Why can't we just keep these ones?
Occupation: Staffing Agency Manager
Chance of Winning: "I thought that the way to win a girl over was to bring a giant plush heart stuffed animal on national television and give it to her" percent
I'm annoyed here again because, yes, the giant plush heart that he gives her followed by "I wanna be your man crush someday" is so bad it's good, online it talked about how he dreams of meeting dinosaurs and for that sole reason I think he should advance. That on a dating show, he somehow found a way to say that he liked dinosaurs and thought this would win him women.
Occupation: Radio DJ
Chance of Winning: "Who the actual fuck is named Wells?" percent
For starters, he gets out of the car and says he hopes she's doing well, and all of me wants to believe he planned that because of his name but deep in my heart I know he didn't and for about 15 seconds I get really sad about life and how it doesn't always work out, just in general. Then, Wells wins MY heart and brings the original group All-4-One out of the limo to sing "I Swear" which every single one of us slow danced to on a dance floor at some point in our lives and thought we'd found love at the age of 12. I realize that, by selecting a washed up R&B band from the mid-to-late nineties probably proves that you're an incredibly "i'm not doing that well" DJ, it still makes me believe that Wells deserves a medal for trying. He will no doubt lose, but now it's okay and all I want to do is slow dance and french kiss girls the way I used to where I'd eat their face and believe that this was something they actually enjoyed.
Best part? It pisses off "I'm not the real James Taylor" James Taylor, which makes it worth it even more.
The rest of the episode is the usual where they all drink and get reaLlLlLly angry that some guy had the nerve to try to talk to the person who is the main point of the show because that's not fair I WANTED TO TALK TO HER. A few highlights:
- Jordan, the guy who's a former quarterback which is a polite way of saying he's unemployed, is clearly the front runner, and I hope Aaron Rodgers, his brother who is an employed quarterback and dates Olivia Munn/The Hottest Woman Ever starts talking about it on social media because that would be just the best. The guy who "really wished I kissed her" the first time he talked to her and then comes back in, interrupts the girls time with another guy and goes for it always make it to top 2. It's Bachelor/ette fact/science.
- Luke, the war vet who made a horse a unicorn for the sole purpose of winning a round robin marriage television show, is clearly Jordan, the guy who's a former quarterback which is a polite way of saying he's unemployed's biggest challenger. I would put money on them being in the last three. Write that down.
- Luxury Real Estate Chad is turning into every bit of douche that I want him to: he's jealous, he's got that "I probably get in fights with dudes at clubs for no reason" demeanor that's always fun to watch, and he is angry that everyone that talks to JoJo because he thinks it's unfair. Luxury Chad is all we wanted and more. I bet he smells like sandalwood.
- Will, the guy who is so awkward that it's almost not awkward, gets JoJo to play that game girls would play on the back of busses when you were in middle school where you move the paper around in weird ways like origami and then somehow gets her to kiss him and take that, Luxury Chad, you just got beat by a guy who went 13 year old back of the bus field trip girl on you. BOOM. Was it awkward? Of course. But he's still better than you, one word vegas club Chad. And that feels really good for no apparent reason.
- Wells, the DJ who has a name that no one in the world has and it can't be a real name, brings All-4-One BACK out. Like, doubles down on a mid-nineties r&b band. Unreal move. That's like saying, "watch out, because Third Eye Blind WASN'T DONE WITH SEMI-CHARMED LIFE.
- Daniel, the Rav4 of male models who's gay and not okay with it yet, starts poking other guys in the belly button because he drinks too much and then takes off his clothes to show us his muscles and jumps in the pool and Daniel just has so much about himself he doesn't know yet and it's so exciting that we might get to watch it all happen in real time on television.
Jake, the black guy who honestly didn't even get to get his own intro because white people were talking and holy fuck this show is so racist.
Jonathan, the guy who wore a kilt and said "I'm not wearing any panties" and no I'm not kidding, don't ever say the word "panties" to women.
Nick S., the guy who did the splits that made everyone angry because he was trying to hard on a show where the whole point is to try to hard.
Peter, the guy who brought a giant plush stuffed animal heart and gave it to her not in a carnival setting and thought this would work.
Sal, the guy who brought her balls to squeeze that were blue and I don't even need to make a joke, he's just bad at life/women.
SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:
Wells, because he brought out All-4-One TWICE and once was good but twice was aggressively aggressive.
Vinny, because the one thing he won't do for love is "turkey meat" and no one can in any way explain what that means.
Nick B., because he dressed like Santa and that was super awkward and should NEVER work in any way and somehow it didn't get an immediate elimination.
Both guys who's professions were "Hipster" and "I watch this TV show a lot". I don't even need to explain that. Just mesmerizing they're still here.
Daniel, and THANK GOD because we don't even need to go over how much he did wrong, all we need to go over about how everything about him is so wrong that it's right. Please stay forever Daniel. Please.
Jordan, because he's handsome and she already wants to have 10,000 of his babies and his brother is famous.
Luke, because he is just the god damn best.
Chad, because I fucking hate him with all of my everything so of course she likes him because that's how girls work.
And that's where we're at. From here on out I'll review scene by scene like the last season.
It's a hard job reviewing sub-par television that makes you feel like you're wasting your life away with every second that it's on the screen.
To be fair, no one has to do it. But, let's be real.
This shit is a fantastic train wreck.
I'm so happy to be back, as judging people and throwing stones in a glass house is something I excel at wildly.
See you next week.