Welcome to Season 18 of The Bachelor on ABC, where people make the conscious decision to find love/get married on a television show by competing against 26 or more other people who hate them for a stranger that they do not know but may have seen on television before, which is healthy.
In the 17 previous seasons, only one couple that formed on the show has actually gotten married (I'm fairly sure this still stands, though Sean and Catherine may end up getting married for a week or two). That couple was formed when the guy dumped the girl he picked on the show for the one he did not pick on the show, so basically every woman's feelings about male behavior actualized.
Alternatively, a show called "The Biggest Loser," in which fat people get "not fat" has produced five couples that actually fell in love.
If you're keeping score at home, and/or looking into finding your husband or wife on a television show: your best bet is to get morbidly obese and have people root for you to not be morbidly obese as opposed to going on the "I want to fall in love so desperately I'm willing to do it in a really desperate manner" show.
And that's exactly why it's more fun to watch the "I want to fall in love so desperately I'm willing to do it in a really desperate manner" show.
Our bachelor is Juan Pablo, the guy from Venezuela who lost on the last season of The Bachelorette who speaks such poor English that the producers of the show have considered using subtitles for him. Just kidding, they do use subtitles. Often.
Seriously, this is a real television show about real people.
There is so much to say about Juan Pablo, but to be honest, it's probably best if we just go over what's going to make this season special: Juan Pablo talking, in general.
This episode had so many wonderful Juan Pablo quotes that I found myself squealing in excitement like a small girl every time he dropped one, but I'm pretty close to a small girl emotionally so that makes a lot of sense.
Here were my favorites:
- “There are special moments in my life that have changed my life.” (That’s how moments in your life work.)
- “It’s all about destiny, you need to be in the same place at the same time.” (That’s how meeting people works.)
- "I just lookin' for someone to get married.” (Just feels like that’s setting the bar pretty low, really, when looking for a mate, because that narrows the pool down to 1 billion, 200 thousand and everyone people.)
- “Who else I was gonna call?” (Probably Ghostbusters I was, but just me that is.)
- “Who am I gonna give rose tonight?” (Not a rose, just rose).
- “You read a lotttt” (Someone told him she was a lawyer and he honestly said this to them. Holy shit, you guys. Holy shit.)
- “Essept.” (That’s how he says accept. Guys, that’s how he says accept.)
Other than that, all you need to know is that a black person is going to stay on the show long enough to cry, Juan Pablo and his daughter are the most adorable together ever times infinity, and Juan Pablo wears underpants under his bathing suit and that’s not how bathing suits work because you only wear underpants under pants that don't go underwater and oh my fucking god I hate it when people wear underpants underneath their bathing suit.
Here’s what we do know about Juan Pablo for certain: He has a kid so we know he’s had sex, so he’s already got a leg up on Sean.
Episode #1: Who am I gonna give rose tonight? I hope they essept.
Below are general recaps of Juan Pablo and the 27 women who are vying for the chance to have trouble understanding him speak for the rest of their lives.
The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
How He Was Introduced On The Show: Not speaking English well.
Chances of Winning: Not 100%, shockingly. Considering the first person he gave a rose doesn't like him, I'd say we're off to a rough start.
Sadly (debatable), I missed the last season of The Bachelorette, but from what I can deduce, Juan Pablo didn’t do well. What I do know, however, is that women love Juan Pablo and don’t really care if he can speak English or not because he:
A) Is attractive
B) Has a daughter he’s not a total shitbag to and
C) Is attractive.
He seems like a genuinely nice person and oh my god I’m just gonna say it, I fucking love Juan Pablo, you guys. He is everything that Sean was not, and by that I mean he is latin and appears to have a personality (ish) and leaves no doubt in my mind that he’s going to be ridiculously sleazy. Most women would essept just about anything from this man and oh my God this season is just gonna write itself.
As is the case in the first episode of every season, Juan Pablo met each of the 27 girls as they got out of a limo, one by one, because that’s how real life works when you are looking to get married.
Occupation: Communications Director
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED
Alexis, like many this season, came in with a strong, though predictable game plan: speak minimal amounts of Spanish and be attractive. Apparently, she didn't speak enough Spanish for her to be an esseptable candidate.
Chance of Winning: "You play soccer? I brought a soccer ball!" percent.
Alli is the girl who did what most people do who go on dates in the modern era: she found out one detail about the person's life she was going on a date with and showed up casually showing an interest in that detail and nevermind I'm joking she fucking brought a soccer ball and thew out not one but two sports metaphors about how she wants a teammate because Juan Pablo plays soccer and SEE JUAN PABLO I KNOW WHAT SOCCER IS! Who knows, maybe she's great, but for now she's the asshole who threw out too many metaphors for me to be comfortable with.
Name: Amy J
Occupation: Massage Therapist / Has an orgasm when she touches someone, anyone.
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED, WHY IS THERE NO GOD, WHY WAS SHE ELIMINATED.
Is it too early to ask for Amy J to be the next Bachelorette? A massage therapist that appears to have orgasms when she touches anyone? Some highlights from this shit show:
- "I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me."
- "I saw something in him that I knew I could see for the rest of my life" (That's how seeing things works.)
- "I made you breakfast Juan Pablo!" (SHE THEN TAKES A FORK AND PRETENDS IT'S AN AIRPLANE AND MAKES AIRPLANE NOISES AND FEEDS IT TO THE CAMERA AND OH MY GOD BRING HER BACK, LET ME HAVE THIS LEVEL OF CRAZY BACK RIGHT NOW.)
Amy J was the toy we knew would be taken away from us the minute we saw it. We had a moment with it, but it's gone forever. Crying somewhere. And probably having an orgasm while it touches a human. Any human.
Name: Amy L
Occupation: Local News Reporter
Chance of Winning: "I don't remember her at all, so probably pretty high" percent.
All I know is that she gets crazy eyes when she's nervous because she was the last girl picked. She looks like Sofia Vergara in this photograph, so she's got that going for her if that's something you want going for you.
Chance of Winning: "I'm way too intelligent for Juan Pablo but oh look he's pretty so who cares!" percent.
Andi is really good looking, powerful and way too intelligent for Juan Pablo. To be clear, when she told him she was a prosecutor he said, "You read a-lotttttt." I don't even know if that hammers home what it sounded like, guys. It was almost like a drunk person just saying the first thing they thought of when someone said something to them, like "Cookies:OREOSSSSSSSS". GOD I fucking love Juan Pablo.
Occupation: 1st Grade Teacher
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED
Ashley's move as a first grade teacher was to tell Juan Pablo that when her students are good, she gives them a gold star and she's gonna give him all the gold stars if he's good and let me tell you, if you live anywhere near Ashley get your children the fuck away from her. Like, yesterday.
Occupation: Former NBA Dancer
Chances of Winning: "My profession has the word 'former' in it" percent.
Pro tip for anyone entering a televised round robin marriage tournament: when they ask you what you do for a living, don't say "not my old job." That's not a job, that's a job that you don't have anymore. Anything will do. Firewoman. Astronaut. Here's a crazy suggestion: dancer. Also, she's 21 and is a former NBA dancer, and that's not old enough to be a former anything.
Occupation: Account Manager (Of what, we do not know. Could be any account, really. She'll manage it.)
Chances of Winning: "She's black and this is The Bachelor so let's play the honesty game" percent.
Sadly, there are only two women of color this year on The Bachelor because there isn't a The Bachelor union that frowns upon these sorts of things, but here's what we know: The Bachelor just doesn't ever seem to pick black people. The good news? She says his name huanpaaaaa-hlo and I enjoy that.
Occupation: Science Educator. (Not a science teacher. A science educator.)
Chances of Winning: "I peered through sunflowers with total crazy face and talked to a Mexican I found on a bench that I did not appear to know to learn Spanish to endear myself to you" percent.
If there's anything we've learned about this show, it's that you've got a pretty good shot if you're batshit crazy in episode one. Let me tell you, guys, this creeper's got a real shot then. In her intro she legitimately learns Spanish from a hispanic woman on a bench that I am 100% sure she did not know and am 110% sure that the producers paid to sit with her. Let's not leave out the part where she made a really bad joke about chemistry because apparently that's what those crazy science educators do on first dates. I hate her and love her, all at once.
Occupation: Police Support Specialist
Chances of Winning: ELIMINATED
She brought his daughter a present but honestly, other than that, she was wildly unmemorable. Also, yet to find an opening for a police support specialist in my area because I'm pretty sure she just added words to other words and made up a job.
Occupation: Marketing Manager
Chances of Winning: "She's blond, so she's got that going for her" percent.
All I know is that her Chicago accent is too strong and she wore a tacky headband. Really all I got on this one.
Occupation: Hairstylist / This year's Lindsey.
Chances of Winning: "Didn't get eliminated after wearing a fake pregnancy belly on a first date so who fucking knows, man, who fucking knows" percent.
I got a real feeling this crazy ball of crazy has got a shot. Here are the facts: she can speak Spanish because she's half Mexican (Juan kryptonite right there) and she has a DVD her deceased father made for her future husband that he could view only once married to her. Look, I think we all want to see her panic in an episode and possibly bring it out too early to show him if she’s worried she’s going to get kicked off and I’m a terrible, terrible person for saying that but you just thought about it and it’s sorta funny, huh. She wore a fake baby bump when she got out of the limo to tell him that she wants to have kids someday and just think for oneeeeee minute about if someone did that in real life. More than anything, I just wish there were an i in her name.
Occupation: Psychiatric Nurse
Chances of Winning: "Pretty sure we already covered this" percent.
Sorry guys, rules is rules. Spoiler alert: The Bachelor is a pretty racist show and that's not on me, okay?
Occupation: 1st Grade Teacher because everyone is a 1st Grade Teacher this year.
Chances of Winning: "I think it's love at first sight and you don't remember my name" percent.
She said that she felt like meeting him was like love at first sight, he didn't remember her name and then she said she wanted to be a princess. Which probably means she'll win, because that's how this show works in a nutshell.
Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Chances of Winning: "Pretty very high" percent.
Let's just go full disclaimer on this one: a person who reads this knows her and is a good friend and I am gonna go fairly one-arm on her and not say anything mean for as long as I can because I like the person who knows her and I also have a good feeling she does well in the season and I know, I know. I'm a wussbag. To be fair, she salsa danced with him, and I think we've all figured out that the formula this year is "DO SOMETHING LATIN, WIN A PRIZE!" and the prize is Juan Pablo saying sweet nothings in your ear. Sweet nothings in your ear that you presumably cannot understand because they are not, in fact, in english.
Occupation: Dog Lover (which is not a profession)
Chances of Winning: "I brought my fucking dog on The Bachelor" percent.
Dog lover is not an occupation. I don't even know where to begin. Can you imagine Kelly filling out her taxes? Does the government receive her forms and just sit there, dumbfounded?
Occupation: Dog Lover!
Relationship Status: Bracelets
Occupation: Interior Designer. Presumably the worst one there is. Ever.
Chances of Winning: ELIMINATED
Want to know how to embarass yourself on national television? Go on a dating show and pretend you got picked when someone else's name was called and/or dress like someone who plays Unattractive Ariel at Disneyland. (She did both.)
Just kidding, all you need to do is go on a dating show on national television.
Occupation: Nursing Home Owner
Chances of Winning: ELIMINATED
I was on Lacy's side for being the Rudy of our show until she brought a fake prescription bottle full of red hots to show how adorable she was. Nope. We're done.
Also, she started a nursing home at the age of 20. Where'd you get that money, Gatsby? Are you the greatest person alive? WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SHOW? WHO ARE YOU? EXPLAIN/ESSPLAIN YOURSELF.
Name: Lauren H
Occupation: Mineral Coordinator
Chances of Winning: ELIMINATED WHY GOD WAS SHE ELIMINATED (Part 2)
Lauren H was my everything. My everything. She did everything you need to do in an entire season of The Bachelor to be my favorite in less than one episode. Let's go over this:
- Made-up sounding job because last time I checked, minerals don't need a lot of coordinating.
- Full "I can't tell why I'm single" storyline when she was engaged to be married only months before she came on the show and maybe just sit this one out next time.
- Full blown meltdown with crying before meeting him.
- Full blown meltdown with crying while meeting him and discussing her entire engagement.
- Hardcore angry bitch face when finally not given a rose.
You were gone too soon, Lauren H. Go get a drink with Tierra and start 14,087 reality television shows together. I will watch all of them.
Name: Lauren S
Occupation: Music Composer / Piano Bike Rider
Chances of Winning: "I have no idea at all" percent.
Look. Lauren rode a bike that was also a piano up to Juan Pablo and played that piano while she rode that bike and then she said music is "mi vida" because she knows he speaks spanish and this isn't her first rodeo and if you squint she looks sorta hispanic or maybe she is hispanic and maybe, just maybe I like this little ball of crazy. Nah, she'll probably be booted in the next episode or two.
Occupation: Free Spirit / Someone's asshole little sister who changes who she is every 8 weeks and I hate her.
Chances of Winning: "I hate her, please make her stop" percent.
Lucy's occupation is "free spirit." You know who else's occupation is "free spirit"? Unemployed people. Lucy is that girl you hated at coachella four years ago and I hate her oh I just hate her so much because seriously, what the actual fuck is that floral headband. Did you find it on Pinterest and totally DIY the shit out of it because you're free? Please go away.
Occupation: Personal Banker / Being really southern.
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED
Here's a fun fact: this show was the first time Maggie's traveled anywhere on an airplane. So someday, when people say "ever been on an airplane?" she'll say, "yes, once, when I went to be on a tv show to get married and lost before the tournament started." Which is in no way depressing.
Occupation: Pediatric Nurse
Chance of Winning: "Absurdly good chance" percent.
Nikki is going places. In this episode alone, she:
- Treated a child with Down Syndrome
- Brought a stethoscope and placed said stethoscope on her boob so that Juan Pablo could "listen to her heart"/ grab her boob.
She also has a side boob tattoo that says, "Guess what, i’m not just a nurse who hangs out with kids with down syndrome, sometimes I have sex."
And that, Nikki, is why you're going places.
Occupation: Real Estate Agent
Chance of Winning: "Pretty sure she'll make it to the last 8 or so" percent .
Here's what we know about Renee: she's got a kid so she's pretty much a lock for a while, she loves to rollerblade and from time to time, she runs away from seagulls as fast as she can. And that, my friends, is all you need for a fighting chance at winning the marriage show. Sadly, that's actually all you need.
Occupation: Opera Singer
Chance of Winning: "I wish because she's the best" percent.
Here's why Sharleen won't win: she's a normal human being who any normal person would like and pursue to date because she's a great person who is a tad awkward and a tad ridiculously good looking and a tad great and can you tell I a tad like her? She got the first rose and then immediately stated that she feels no chemistry with Juan Pablo/doesn't seem to like him even remotely, which is either true or just fantastic editing if she's sticking around. SHE LOOKS LIKE OLIVIA MUNN, SHE HAS TO STAY.
Juan Pablo says she has mundo, which is what his people call other people who go to other countries because they have world and I can't make this stuff up.
Occupation: Personal Trainer / The Hunger Games
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED
When discussing Juan Pablo in her intro, she aims a crossbow at a target and shoots an arrow violently through a heart. So. Can't figure out why Katniss Everdeen got eliminated.
Occupation: Legal Assistant
Chance of Winning: "Latin-ish" percent.
She speaks portuguese and he speaks spanish and they tell each other they'll teach other their languages and if you like each other so much why don't you just get married and oh right you might because that's honestly just about all it takes on this show.
And that's where we're at. From here on out I'll review scene by scene like the last season.
It's a hard job reviewing sub-par television that makes you feel like you're wasting your life away with every second that it's on the screen.
To be fair, no one has to do it. But, let's be real.
This shit is a fantastic train wreck.
I can't wait to have mundo with all of you.
See you next week.